Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

Two Irish brothers are travelling to Australia. Before they leave home, their dad gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie taxi drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a taxi to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the driver says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the brothers. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

This Jewish joke seems to be popular at the moment...

The first Jewish president calls up his mother and invites her over for Passover. Characteristically, his mother immediately begins complaining.
"Oiy, I'll need to book a flight and it's going to cost so much - it is just too much of a bother."

Her son counters, "Mom! I'm the President! I'll hire a private jet for you!

"Oiy, I'll need to catch a taxi and carry my luggage. It's just too much!"

"Mom! I'm the President! I'll pick you up in my limo! Then my guards will carry your luggage for you!"

"Oiy, I'll need to book a hotel."

"Mom! Don't be ridiculous! I'm the President! You can stay at the White House!"

"Okay, fine," she finally acquiesces. Two minutes later her friend Sophie, calls.

"So, Miriam, what's new?"

"Oiy, I'm going to my son for Pesach."

"Who, the doctor?"

"No, the other one."
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Here is another version...
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

Oh Mom, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'

[Stanley]

What was the Jewish lady's name who told the joke about reassuring her son he had done well because he had an ology?

[Big Kev]

What was the Jewish lady's name who told the joke about reassuring her son he had done well because he had an ology?

Maureen Lipman

[Stanley]

That's her! Thanks Kev.... Funny how selective my memory is..... Old age I reckon.

[Tizer]

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

Heard on a World Service programme, I think it qualifies as a joke.... A Native American talking about Daylight Saving in the US said that only a government could believe that cutting a foot off one end of a blanket and sewing it back on at the other end could make it longer.... I like that! I think he may have a point.

[Big Kev]

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[Stanley]

I like it. When I went for Basic Training at the Dale everyone complained about getting up at 06:00 but it was an hour's lie in for me after getting used to early morning milking!

[Tizer]

The vicar was preaching a sermon when a man got up and started walking out of the church. He asked "Where are you going?" to which the man replied "To get a haircut". "Why didn't you go earlier?" the vicar asked. The man turned and said "I didn't need one then!"

[Cathy]

Love that Tize

[Tizer]

I'm glad you enjoyed it Cathy. At least it's clean and I don't think even religious folk would object to it - in fact they might be the ones who find it most funny!

[Stanley]

It's a good one.....

[Bodger]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir.

Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

She didn't say a thing.....just paid the bill !!!!!!

[Stanley]

A good one. You've reminded me of the lady who went in to the doctor's complaining that she farted every time she bent down but luckily they didn't smell. The doctor asked her to demonstrate and she did. He said "You're right, you need a minor operation". "On my back passage? she said. The doctor said "No. On your nose. You've lost your sense of smell".
Sorry about that.....)

[chinatyke]

[quote=Stanley post_id=98854 time=1485671854 user_id=68]
Heard on a World Service programme, I think it qualifies as a joke.... A Native American talking about Daylight Saving in the US said that only a government could believe that cutting a foot off one end of a blanket and sewing it back on at the other end could make it longer.... I like that! I think

[image]https://i58.servimg.com/u/f58/12/50/03/18/daylig10.jpg[/image]

Haven't got the hang of this image posting, I'll work it out later!

[Stanley]

Nice one China......

[Big Kev]

[Cathy]

Not commenting , except to say that its Women's Day Every Day...

[Stanley]

I agree Cathy but Kev's post makes a good point. Ironic rather than funny......

[chinatyke]

Not commenting , except to say that its Women's Day Every Day...

I treated my wife to lunch out and no washing up. I saved the dirty plates so she can do them today. I'm so considerate.

[Stanley]

Andy Capp springs to mind China!