HOUSEHOLD TIPS NOT FOUND IN WOMAN'S WEEKLY

[Marilyn]

I just have a very good aim when I throw things...

[Big Kev]

I have a fierce guard dog called Jack! And he usually has an old bloke backing him up!

Which is ok if you're in the house

[Stanley]

Which I am, virtually 24X7 Kev. Never away for long except on very rare occasions.

[Tizer]

A neighbour of my parents had a fierce, barking Alsation dog. They got burgled during the night while the dog enjoyed a piece of meat donated by the dog-loving burglar!

[Stanley]

If you are under attack, keep your head down below the parapet and wait it out.

[Tizer]

After reading here about dogs preventing burglaries I saw a news story about the increase in dogs being stolen!

[Big Kev]

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I don't have a fierce dog, I have two cameras online at the moment, the weather is holding up installation at the front of the house, but they are a good deterrent. They also provide evidence for any potential prosecutions that may arise.

[Marilyn]

Do you have a lot of crime around your area?
We don’t. A bit of graffiti during school holidays occasionally.

[Stanley]

Have a look at THIS Maz for the latest figures for Barlick.
Today's tip, sleep is the best healer!

[Big Kev]

Do you have a lot of crime around your area?

No, but we don't have many police. It was a relatively inexpensive crime prevention option

The CCTV at my previous house, in Barlick, identified the owner who let his dog poop outside my front gate, the subsequent fixed penalty fine stopped it happening again.

[Marilyn]

We have a few habitual poopers around about. Not generally on our lawn, as we have a street lamp-post, so that is respectfully either peed on or sniffed.

[Stanley]

Time for a rerun of this Daedalus article from the Manchester Guardian I think....

"01 Mar 1988: The Guardian - Page 0 - (406 words)
Futures (Daedalus): Hounding out a means to clean up the streets at source
By: (No author)
Daedalus has an answer to the hundreds of tons of excrement dumped every day by dogs on the nation's parks and pavements. He points out the surprising fact that excrement is combustible: although it is mainly water, the heat given out by burning a dried section would dry the next section to be burnt. His ingenious scheme is to burn it while it is still inside the dog.
Dreadco's 'Afterburner' (Regd.) exploits two modern inventions: the catalytic surfaces on self-cleaning cookers, from which the dirt burns off at quite modest temperatures, and the nitinol alloys, which change shape on heating. Put in a flame, a piece of nitinol will warm up, bend sharply out of the flame, cool down, bend back into it, and so on: a simple heat-engine. So the Dreadco Afterburner sits in the dog's colon, burning the contents catalytically and oscillating subtly from the heat. This has two effects. Firstly, the device tends to shuffle its way peristaltically up the colon, countering the downward flow of fuel; secondly, the combustion chamber expands and contracts rhythmically, sucking in a fresh charge of fuel and air at each stroke. The Afterburner 'breathes' through a flexible tail-pipe which extends to the dog's anus, where its flanged nozzle protrudes and is anchored by the natural contraction reflex.
The Afterburner has to be inserted by a vet, far enough up the colon to prevent it being excreted itself. Its pyrotechnic starting charge is ignited by a fuse, giving a burst of smoke from the nozzle; thereafter a soft rhythmic puffing confirms that all is well. Good insulation, and the cooling inward flow of fuel, prevent the device reaching an uncomfortable temperature.
But it should help to keep the dog warm, and reduce its need for food. 'Walkies' will not be eliminated, as the beast will still need to urinate; even so the urban environment should benefit immensely.
Dog-food manufacturers will have to take note of the new technology. Out will go the emphasis on bouncing health and doggy vitamins. 'With added charcoal for smooth and ash-free combustion!' the advertisements will claim instead. 'No backfiring with candlewax-stabilised Nosho!'
The dogs themselves should also benefit from the device. They will be less troubled by internal parasites (which will be cooked), though their traditional interest in each others' posteriors will now have disconcerting results. Daedalus is now designing an afterburner for humans, for use by astronauts, deep-sea divers, and tourists worried about the local sanitary traditions. "

[Stanley]

If you live in the UK, take heart, we are half way through the winter and so far it's been an easy ride, no really harsh weather! Fingers are crossed...

[Tizer]

Thanks for the Daedalus article, very funny!

[Stanley]

I think he is mainly forgotten now but it's worth seeking his articles out. He was very clever and amusing. I can't find anything on the web.( Could THIS be him?)

[Stanley]

Trust your memory. It may let you down occasionally but most of the time it is correct. I was talking with an old mate and he commented on how well I remembered things that happened to us 30 years ago but when I mentioned them he remembered them also. That's a pretty good storage system in the back of your head!
(I believe the key to preserving it is to use it! Reminiscing is probably one of the best defences against losing memories. Could that be why we enjoy it so much?)

[Marilyn]

....and why, at times...it is so painful...

[Tizer]

I think he is mainly forgotten now but it's worth seeking his articles out. He was very clever and amusing. I can't find anything on the web.( Could THIS be him?)

I didn't look at that article because it wanted me to switch off my advert blocker. But David Jones was Daedalus and this is a Guardian obit: David Jones The quote at the end seems relevant after the last 3 and a half years....“The big problem is the readiness with which human beings tell lies. Indeed, this is almost the defining mark of humanity.”

[Tripps]

Wasn't Daedalus the name of the demon crossword compiler in the Inspector Morse TV series? Doubt it's the same chap -probably from the Greek?

[Stanley]

Maz, I understand why you say that.
Tiz. Thanks for that link to the obit. That's what I read many years ago but failed to find it, I've bookmarked it!
Arthur C Clarke said "When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is probably wrong." As the man who predicted satellites he should know.....

[Stanley]

Today's tip will not surprise you. When you are under attack, get your head down, be sensible and Keep Buggering On!

[Marilyn]

( the advantage of living alone of course, is that you have the luxury of buggering on at your own pace!)

[Stanley]

That's very true Maz. Jack is very accommodating....
Today's tip. The sky does not fall if you do 15 minutes less walking in the day.

[Stanley]

Bleach is almost a religion with me but of late I have been suspicious of the last unlabelled 5 litres I bought. I was assured it was bleach but I finally realised it was no such thing. Not the end of the world and it has been replaced with the genuine article, I am getting results now. However, this doesn't put me off my bulk buys, it saves so much on the price of the 'genuine branded Product'. 'Into each life a little rain must fall'.

[Tripps]

Don't tell anyone - I don't want to jeopardise my supply - but the 5 litre bottles from Tesco at just 90p are quite a bargain.