Old fashioned clean jokes

[Bodger]

Stanley, something to look forward to.
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

[Stanley]

I don't think so Bodge.....

[Big Kev]

Speaking to a doctor the other day I asked "how do you determine whether older people should go into a care home?"
He said "We show them a bath full of water, a bucket, a cup and a thimble and ask what they would use to empty the bath."

Thinking myself a bit clever I said "if they chose anything smaller than the bucket they're ready for a care home?"

"No" he said "those deemed not ready would be pulling out the plug. Would you like a bed by the window?"

[Cathy]

Bodger and Kevin

[Stanley]

Glad to report I said pull the plug!

[Cathy]

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey, wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local Police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you.

[Bodger]

I may have posted this before
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a huge muscular black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “550" please.
The girl panicked.
She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him $5.50 ...he's the window cleaner!”

[Stanley]

I like it. You can post it as often as you like Bodge!

[Big Kev]

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[chinatyke]

[Stanley]

Oh dear Kev......
Cathy, I'd missed the tomato patch joke. I like it!

[Cathy]

Here’s a pic to go with it

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[Bodger]

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
scroll down
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[Tripps]

My doctor diagnosed me with hypochondria.

I wasn't surprised though - I've had everything else.

[Cathy]

[Big Kev]

Let's see how we go with this...

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[Bodger]

A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."
" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."
The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."
"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."
In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."
"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"
The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth....”

[Stanley]

Oh Dear!!

[Bodger]

An old one:- A Yorkshireman walks into a vet:
“Summat up wi’ t’cat.”
Vet: “Is it a tom?”
Yorkshireman: “Nah, it’s ‘ere, int basket.”

[plaques]

I wonder how many will get that joke?

[Cathy]

[Tizer]

I wonder how many will get that joke?

Only the ones who got the Fatima wi t'bread joke!

[Big Kev]

[Big Kev]

This made me smile as it's a statement of fact in my house

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[Stanley]

Est bin mon bin? Bin mons bin and bins non bin sin sin.
[That happened last week in real life, the bin mon apologised because he'd accidentally munched my waste paper box, he is supposed to be bringing me a new one....]