Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[plaques]

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[Stanley]

I've owned hammers like that Ken!

[Bodger]

An Engineer dies.. and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Cathy]

Just being cheeky

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[Stanley]

I recognise all those Cathy! I could add a few to the list as well...

[Big Kev]

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[plaques]

A copy is already on its way up north.

[Stanley]

I liked that one Kev.

[Bodger]

Now, there have long been rumours that Jesus visited England, though many believe that this isn't true. However, they would be wrong, because, though it's little-known, in fact he visited Skegness with his disciples.
They were walking along the beach, discussing Godly things, World Peace and the like, when suddenly Jesus turned and started walking out to sea. The Disciples all dutifully followed him, getting into deeper and deeper water as Jesus carried on, skimming across the surface, seemingly without a care. Things weren't too bad at first, but as they got into deeper water, the Disciples were getting a little worried - especially as the water was full of turds, bog roll and other nasties, and all this was getting just a little bit too close to chest level!
Then, Saint Peter, as leader of the Disciples, decided that it would be best to ask Jesus whether they were going to go out much further, to which Jesus replied: "Why don't you all do as I am and walk on the sewage pipe?"

[Stanley]

The old ones are always the best Bodge .

[Stanley]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Cathy]

There’s quite a bit of truth in that one Stanley

[Stanley]

Unfortunately yes Cathy but that's often what makes a good joke....

[Tizer]

That's a clever one, Stanley!

[plaques]

For those who like a bit of a flutter with their politics.

[Stanley]

Ken. One thing about The Donald, he's kept the media stoked with material for 4 years. They'll miss him...

[Tizer]

I've just read something about gambling and it related how a woman was interviewed and asked if it appealed to women. Her reply was `The biggest gamble for women is marriage.'

[Stanley]

I would have thought that applied equally to men?

[plaques]

A bit of black humor for Stanley

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[Stanley]

Black indeed Ken. I can remember a long time ago an accident at Silentnight that involved a free flying circular saw blade. Some machines frighten me. Routers are one!