Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

Haha. I think it’s just human nature. Some are stocking up baked beans, cans of soup, pet food, baby formula, all sorts, but loo paper has been in our news for days now (Aussie humour). I have stocked up on kitty-litter, it comes from China. Tomorrow I am making soup to freeze, and I will buy more Advil but that’s about it for me.

Tea will be the next thing.

[Stanley]

China, my mother used to tell me that as well .
Stocking up.... I've been doing it all my life, it's the way I was reared. Nowt wrong with sensible stocks in the pantry.
The problem is that this is not common these days to hold stocks and when some reason arises which makes more people do it the initial pressure on the supply chain empties the shelves. Then it's called 'Panic Buying'!
I see India which is a major source of generic drugs has cut back on exports...

[Tizer]

Has England still got loo paper?

We still use cut up pieces of newspaper here Cathy!

[Big Kev]

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[Tripps]

When the Coop ran out of face masks, some improvisation became necessary

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[Big Kev]

When the Coop ran out of face masks, some improvisation became necessary

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[Stanley]

They knew things we don't....

[Big Kev]

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[chinatyke]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

[Tizer]

Nice one, Stanley, thanks for that!

This was in the BBC's summary of the newspaper front pages this morning: The [coronavirus] outbreak also forms the inspiration for artist Bob Moran's latest cartoon in the Telegraph. He depicts Chancellor Rishi Sunak staring forlornly at an airport departure board, with flights to "Budget Boomtown", "Boris Bounceville" and "Infrastructure Utopia" all delayed.

[Stanley]

It's an old one.... The skit on Kipling's "If".
"If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs, you obviously haven't realised the gravity of the situation!"
I think this is applicable at the present time.

[Stanley]

Another old one came to mind this morning looking at reactions world wide to Covid19 and it's effects on global trade. It's an old Jewish joke. (Perhaps one of the oldest!)
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

[Stanley]

Just heard this on Thought for the Day....
The cleverest man in the world, a Boy Scout and an old priest are in a helicopter that is about to crash, there are only two parachutes. The clever man grabbed one slung it over his shoulders and jumped shouting that he had to survive as he was the cleverest man in the world. The old priest said to the Boy Scout, "You take the parachute, you're young and have your whole life in front of you" The Boy Scout said "Chill! The cleverest man in the world just jumped out wearing my rucksack!"
As the Reader's Digest used to say 'Laughter is the best medicine!'

[Cathy]

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[Tizer]

Good one, Cathy!
Stanley, we've had a similar one here before but instead of the `cleverest man in the world' it was Donald Trump who stole the rucksack and jumped.

Cartoon in the paper this morning shows an estate agent showing a couple around a house. They've gone down steps into the cellar. The agent points to a door made of iron bars and with a big lock, He's saying `That's the grannie annex.'

[Stanley]

Thanks Tiz. Does this mean I am losing my marbles?

[Stanley]

All this talk of war....



Old Bill, 1914-18. Caption, "If you knows a better hole, go to it!"

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

Clever
Don’t recycle your newspapers at the moment, you may need them.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

That figures......

[Big Kev]

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[Tripps]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realise it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but
I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. 'I’m afraid the neighbours will
talk if I let you stay in my house.’

'Don’t worry,’ John said.'We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their
way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

'Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
'Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.’
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ 'Why do you ask?’

► Show Spoiler

She just died and left me everything.’