Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

Not funny, but interesting

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[Big Kev]

It's amazing how the human brain can identify words from the 'pattern' the word makes.

[plaques]

My problem is I can understand it but can't fill in the bits that are missing.

[PanBiker]

No bits missing for me, it just reads like normal. I think its our brains equivalent of predictive text but actually more accurate.

[plaques]

Yes but the number '3' appears to equate to the letter 'e'. the fifth letter. ( I think). OK for you code breakers but spare a thought for lesser mortals like me .

[Stanley]

Obvious that the fifth letter is 'S'.
That's brilliant Cathy.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

I need to have that explained to me Kev.....

[Big Kev]

People post pictures of their whole life on social media, there's a standing joke that if it isn't on Facebook it didn't happen.

[Cathy]

A British man took a flight to Australia.
At customs , the official asked him:
“Do you have a criminal record?”
To which he replied:
“Oh! I didn’t think we needed those to get in anymore!”

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

Thanks for the explanation Kev. That had completely passed me by....

[Big Kev]

When on your driving test and the examiner asks "what signs would you expect to see on a rural road"? Free range eggs for sale is not the right answer

[plaques]

Can anyone remember the 'Cattle' road sign coming down from Thornton to Earby that was modified to look like an Elephant. The Councils comment was 'Good isn't it'.

[Stanley]

No, but I like the response.
Asking about countryside signs reminded me of this one.

[Tizer]

I notice the official photo of the G7 leaders showed 9 people - can't they count?


It turns out the extras are two EU officials.

[Big Kev]

Childish schoolboy humour but I could resist

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[Stanley]

[Tripps]

This made me smile. . .

. . . .makes you stronger

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

When I was nine years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a dear friend of his, someone who I didn't even know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner of the church nervously waiting for the time to pass.
A tall and kindly man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life, kid. Be happy because time flies so quickly and before we know it, it is all over.' Then he passed his hand over my head, ruffled my hair, smiled and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked into the open coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!
I was so traumatized, that for many years I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was so terrified of being alone at night. I couldn't sleep without a night light or the door wide open for many years. I saw many psychologists and endured much turmoil throughout my early adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear, at the thought of the tall man smiling as he walked away.

It wasn't until years later, that I discovered something incredible that changed my whole life.

► Show Spoiler

The dead bastard had a twin!

[Cathy]

Oh China, you had me going there, so much so that I forgot which Topic I was on...