Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

David, nothing quite as effective as the glare of publicity to stimulate conscience.

[Tripps]

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[Big Kev]

[Tripps]

I've been saving it - the time seemed right today. . . . .

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

I like it David, very clever.

[Tripps]

Much talk of painting around - so this from Alan Ashworth's weekly column yesterday -

Old jokes’ home -

Irishman knocks on the door of an imposing mansion and asks: ‘Any odd jobs need doing?’ ‘Yes,’ says the owner, ‘you can paint my porch out the back. You’ll find some white paint in the shed.’ Two hours later he’s back. ‘Finished,’ he says. ‘But I have to tell you. It’s not a porch, it’s a Mercedes.’

[Stanley]

That's good David. It reminds me of a C&W song I heard once which contained the line "We have a front Porsche and a back Porsche".

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

Guilty on all counts Cathy except the last one.
That reminds me of a story I picked up somewhere about a man who worried his doctor because of the large number of incontinence pads he was using. When he went to visit he found the man was using them to insulate his loft.....

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

I like it.....
This might be the best place to put this household tip. I learned it many years ago from a farmer in Gargrave. Cats are very difficult to control during surgical procedures if not anaesthetised. The best way to handle them for say castration is to shove them head first into a Wellington boot. (Sorry about that....)

[Cathy]

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[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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[Tizer]

Haha!

[PanBiker]

That's the children's chair that he is sat on. He needs mummy's big chair before he get the job full time.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

Nightmare on Downing Street.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Tripps]

Stolen from elsewhere -


Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards.
Turned out to be a complete lack of pies!