Old fashioned clean jokes

[plaques]

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[Stanley]

Hmmmm.?

[Tizer]

The brain.

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[Stanley]

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[Stanley]

"Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings....." Psalms 8:2.

[Marilyn]

We had a very real life situation like that, when hubby used to complain long and loud about his workmate in front of our ( then) 4 year old.
What do you think came out of 4 year old’s mouth when he met the “useless article” of a workmate?
It went “My Daddy says...” and rapidly downhill from there.

[Stanley]

Yes Maz, I think we all have stories like that about our kids!

[plaques]

Proof reading of Newsprint is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self, Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[Stanley]

I love typos. My favourite is the newspaper that published 'Battle scared general'. The following day they made a correction to 'Bottle Scarred General'. Presumably there would be a third correction.
Another favourite isn't a typo but it made me smile. It was in the Northfield MN local paper. Headline in local news; "Driver of vehicle containing six inebriated students was sober". Must have been a slow news week!

[Bodger]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said,
“Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this sh!t but me.”

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

Proof reading of Newsprint is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Coincidentally, a few minutes ago I read a report `George Floyd protests: New York Times opinion editor resigns amid article row'. A Republican senator had submitted an article calling for military forces to be sent to cities where anti-racism protests had turned violent. The opinion editor published it without reading it first and it cause an uproar and lots of complaints. Not surprising that he had to resign!

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[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Had a decorator round the other day, he's a furloughed British Airways pilot. He made a lovely job of the landing.

[chinatyke]

[Stanley]

I agree China.

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[Cathy]

[chinatyke]

4 MUSLIMS IN A ROW BOAT, SOMEWHERE OFF NORTH AUSTRALIA

The Captain of the Royal Australian Navy patrol boat, HMAS Albany, gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Muslims puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading Australia."

The entire crew on the patrol boat doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other three million are already there!"

[Marilyn]

(...We are one, but we are many, and from all the lands on Earth we come. We share a dream, and sing with one voice “I am - You are - WE are Australian...)
More Chinese here than Muslims I suspect, China...

(And there is no need for invasion. Our government gives Australia away!)

[Stanley]

I like that one China.
A Scotsman arrived at the Pearly Gates and was given a conducted tour of Heaven by St Peter who showed him the way there tended to be enclaves of the different religions. He ended by saying "Your lot, the Presbyterians are over there". The Scotsman frowned and asked where the Roman Catholics were. St Peter pointed to a high wall and said behind there. So the Scotsman asked why there was a wall. St Peter:- "Because they think they are the only ones here"