Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

Have you heard about the German vegetarian who feared the wurst?

[Cathy]

Good try Stanley

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[Stanley]

I recognise that one too Cathy!

[Tizer]

A good one Cathy, Mrs Tiz would tell you she has to put up with that!

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

I'll post this and keep my head down

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[Stanley]

[plaques]

Golfers Never Really Lie
An Old Golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you sad?"
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a solid gold club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a sterling silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an old iron club.

"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes Lord, that’s it!"
The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep,
and the golfer won his tournament and went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the lake.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Now Why are you sad?"
"Oh, Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went into the water and reappeared with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston.
Then if I said, 'No' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women
in a way that they deserve... so that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton."
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honourable reason, and only out of consideration for others.

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

Never heard that one Ken.... It's very good and clever also!

[plaques]

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[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

That's life Cathy......
I like Ken's. Unfortunately that's so true now.

[Tripps]

First - who is Kate Upton?

Now - A cartoon yesterday had the strapline - "Now I can either fill the fuel tank up or buy Chelsea FC". Matt I think.

And there's more - Remember like Bernard Manning used to say - "It's just a joke". . . .

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[Big Kev]

This time last year I wasn't allowed to travel more than 5 miles from home, this year I can't afford to

[Stanley]

Both true. I've stopped going on holiday, car-owning, drinking, smoking, bothering with women and eating high carb foods. All of them expensive hobbies. I might be able to pay the energy bill now.....
(This is not a joke. Deadly serious!)

[PanBiker]

According to the news this morning the prediction for energy costs by Autumn has gone up another £500 since last week.

[Stanley]

Yup, I saw that....... We will have to deal with it if and when it happens. The price can move a lot more before the back end.....

[Tizer]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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I hope Cathy will forgive me but this joke was said to be a recording on an Australian tax help line..."If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2."

[Big Kev]

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[Tripps]

Dash it - I've been saving that one. . . .

[Cathy]

Tize, I guess if you knew a few words in English, you would probably cotton-on and press no. 2.
But it does look a bit ‘what the?’

[Big Kev]

If you boil a humerus bone does it become a laughing stock?