Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Cathy]

Aaw, that’s a bit sad

[Stanley]

It's the way a lot of people feel Cathy....

[Tizer]

'Tympanites of the paunch or rumen' Posh name for bloat in cattle.

Presumably called so because the bloated area would sound like a drum when tapped?

This Mars news harks back to the tapping of a cow to test for bloat. Using sound to make a diagnosis or identification. Also like a doctor tapping your chest to listen for fluid in the lungs...
`Nasa's Perseverance Mars rover listens to its rock-zapping laser' LINK
`...The sound of the laser hitting rocks reveals knowledge such as the hardness of the targets being investigated. "If we tap on a surface that is hard, we will not hear the same sound as when we fire on a surface that is soft," explained Naomi Murdoch, from the National Higher French Institute of Aeronautics and Space, in Toulouse. "Take for example chalk and marble. These two materials have an identical chemical composition (calcium carbonate), but very different physical properties."..'

[Stanley]

I thought that when I read of the 'sound' of the laser.
Amazing what can give signals. My old mate Arthur Entwistle could tell the difference between silver steel and Stellite blindfolded.

[plaques]

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[Tizer]

I thought that when I read of the 'sound' of the laser.
Amazing what can give signals. My old mate Arthur Entwistle could tell the difference between silver steel and Stellite blindfolded.

Some experienced geologists tap rocks to help identify them. There is even a rock known as phonolite from the Greek for `sounding stone'. Sometimes known locally as clink stone and in Germany as kling stein.

[Stanley]

Ken. Have a listen to THIS Jerry Reed song, "She got the gold mine, I got the shaft".
I can identify most metals but sometimes get a surprise! Usually when I start cutting.

[Big Kev]

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[Big Kev]

Fans of Only Fools and Horses will appreciate this

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[plaques]

Sorry Kev its lost on me, Prison service?

Something easier, Subject: Truisms

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Anyone got an owners manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup.

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.

[Tripps]

Sorry Kev its lost on me

"Look after your broom, and your broom will look after you"

[Big Kev]

Sorry Kev its lost on me

"Look after your broom, and your broom will look after you"

[plaques]

Thanks, I live in a different world. Still means nothing. Is it me?

[PanBiker]

As an avid fan of all things Fools and Horses, that's a good one.

[Stanley]

The same joke about stails and brush heads was told about an old brush seller at Otley Market.

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Tizer]

A good one, Cathy, thanks!

This from Patrick Hosking in his Diary piece in The Times, told to him by a lawyer friend who witnessed the exchange. The Recorder of London saw his clerk was doing a crossword and poring over a clue. he asked what the clue was. `Dog star' said the clerk and the Recorder immediately and triumphantly said `Sirius'. No, said the clerk `The answer is Lassie'.

[Stanley]

I like that one Peter. Very low key but telling.

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

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[Big Kev]

What's Irish and stays outside all year?

Paddy O'Furniture

[Stanley]

Oh dear! But it did make me smile Kev....