Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

A sign of the times Cathy....

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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Joke or accurate observation?

[Stanley]

More likely "Vikings loot and pillage ignoring the dead and dying locals lying around them".

[Tizer]

The caption could be `Religious order fails to pay its taxes: HMRC takes action.'

[Stanley]

That fits!

[MickBrett]

A man is cleaning out his deceased fathers belonging and starts to go through his wardrobe.
He comes upon a suit which looks old but in pretty good condition.
Before donating it to charity he checks all the pockets and finds a ticket for a pair of shoes which were dropped off at the cobblers almost 15 years earlier.

The man places the ticket in his pocket and forgets about it for a few days.
After a while he becomes curious and decides to see if the cobblers shop still exists.

At the weekend he drives over to the town where the shop is supposed to be and is amazed to discover that the cobblers shop is still in operation.

Just for a laugh he enters the shop and hands in the ticket.
The man behind the counter goes into the back of the shop but comes back empty handed.

He hands the ticket back to the man and says...................


...........they'll be ready next Wednesday

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[Cathy]

[PanBiker]

[Stanley]

Very good, never heard that one!

[Stanley]

They say Zac Goldsmith lent him the 'cottage'. All right for some....

[Stanley]

[MickBrett]

I didn't believe it when my friends told me that my dad was stealing from his job as a road repairer.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

Nice one Mick.
That reminds me of the Irish ganger who listened patiently as the man from the Council detailed a long list of faults with the stretch of road he and his gang had built. When the Council man finished he said "How is it for length?"

[Big Kev]

This'll fix it, if it's on the side of a bus it must be true.

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[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

I think I'm missing the point of that one Kev. I need it explaining to me....

[Big Kev]

It relates to a caricature of a neurotic wife, portrayed in older comedy films such as the 'Carry On' series.

[Tripps]

I need it explaining to me....

I was about to use the phrase 'postmodern irony' in a rather flippant way, then I looked it up to be sure Encyclopedia of humour and decided against it.

Best stick to the 'First rule of comedy Spike' - if you need to explain it . . . .

[Stanley]

Kev... I knew that but didn't think it was at all funny. Sorry about that!
David, postmodern irony would have lost me as well.
While I am here David, do I remember you once telling me about Henderson's Northern Relish made in Sheffield? I've just bought a man-sized bottle in Colne and thought of you....