Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Do people really believe crap like that Kev? The response is spot on, well done whoever did it.
(I'm not sure if it's a genuine tweet or a hoax....)

[Big Kev]

Do people really believe crap like that Kev? The response is spot on, well done whoever did it.
(I'm not sure if it's a genuine tweet or a hoax....)

I reckon the original Tweeter thought the were genuine, it's the reaction to the spelling that made me laugh.

[Tizer]

It's good to see the scam posts being turned into jokes on the scammers!

We watched Paul Merton on TV last night talking about the early comedians. He often gets asked to warm up an audience and says he usually relies on some of the oldest jokes. His favourite is the man who comes home and says to his wife "I've just heard that every woman in this street has slept with the milkman, bar one" to which the wife replies "Ah, that'll be that stuck up woman at number 13".

In an article about the idea of bringing back some sort of National Service but not military it was mentioned that those who did NS got many benefits from it, one being `the bringing together of toffs and proles'. It then told Auberon Waugh's story. In weapon training under the charge of a Corporal Chudleigh he managed to shoot himself in the chest. As he lay on the ground with the Corporal standing over him he couldn't resist saying `Kiss me, Chudleigh'. However, Chudleigh failed to recognise the historical reference and, said Waugh, `viewed me askance ever after'.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

NS and Toffs...,. Yes it did. My treat was to be under the command of 2nd Lt Oulton, he of the Park in Cheshire. He was the dick who put me on a charge for pointing out water wouldn't run uphill in the drain he had told me to dig. As we used to say "Why should England Tremble?"

[Tizer]

I guess this is the best place for this post...
`Dominic Cummings 'turns up with PM in Beanotown'' LINK
`Like millions of people, he's currently working from home - but being out of sight doesn't mean Dominic Cummings is out of mind. Or the media. But coverage of the prime minister's (soon to be ex-) chief adviser is taking on a surreal tone. This week's Beano comic includes a pull-out section called Bean-OLD, designed to cheer up adults in the midst of the pandemic - and who better to help in that than Mr Cummings, the former Vote Leave impresario who quit his government role last week?'.

[Tripps]

Dominic Cummings 'turns up with PM in Beanotown''

That's very good. I actually laughed. Good substitute for the dire cartoons currently in Private Eye.
perhaps they could do a deal and get a slot in the Eye. It would improve it.

[Stanley]

I think it pollutes the concept of the Beano and should be avoided. Give them a slot in the 'Oldie'.

[Cathy]

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[Bodger]

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Marilyn]

Sounds like my hubby. He doesn’t “do” romantic! Bless him.

[Stanley]

I like it Bodge....

[Bodger]

Many years, oh! so many, I met a wonderful girl in the Swan in Ruislip our first date was at a cricket match at Bessingby park. We had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me — it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. (Late 60s) She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice vie w. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. ”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

Oh dear! Such a good one Bodge!

[Cathy]

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[chinatyke]

Bodger, that joke was used for a TV ad for one of the credit card companies. Was it Mastercard? It went something like: Thank goodness his condoms were in the glovebox, for everything else there is Mastercard.

[Stanley]

Two hardcore Trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

[Tizer]

That's a good one!

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A man goes to the Optician for his annual eye test.
The Optician puts a contraption on his face ,and asks him what he can see.
"I see empty Airports and empty Football grounds" he says. " I see closed theatres , closed pubs, closed Restaurants "
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision.

[Stanley]

So True Bodge!

[Cathy]

A movie is being shown at the theatre.
A girl is returning to her seat and taps the shoulder of a man sitting at the end of a row.
“Excuse me,” she says “did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”
“As a matter of fact, you did,” replied the man, expecting an apology.

“Oh good, “ says the girl, “then this is my row.”

[Stanley]