Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

I fear that like many good jokes, those two are too close to the truth!

[Bodger]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

It chatters constantly at high speeds.

Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.

And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[PanBiker]

[Stanley]

I like it.....
And the answer to the meaning of Life, the Universe and everything is 42.

[plaques]

42, in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, is the "Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything", calculated by a supercomputer named Deep Thought over a period of 7.5M years.

[Stanley]

And when 42 was queried Deep Thought told them that they had asked the wrong question.....

[Stanley]

Schapiro's wine shop in NY in 1980. Jack Sussman once told me that the best Jewish joke was Schapiro's and Manischewitz' Kosher wine.
Note the motto on the shop "The wine you can almost cut with a knife"
( When I did this pic Ethel grabbed my arm and made me hurry away. She had noticed that I had unwittingly caught a drug deal being done on the other side of the street!)

[Bodger]

A young woman started work in the small Irish Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked.
She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!"

[Stanley]

That's a really good one Bodge!

[Cathy]

I wasn’t sure what was coming. Very good.

[chinatyke]

The best ever summary of the British view of the different newspapers is most famous for being used in an episode of 'Yes Prime Minister' first broadcast in 1987. British satire TV at its best.

Sir Humphrey: "The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices."

Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press, I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by people who actually do run the country; the Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; the Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.

[Stanley]

Very close to the truth China. I trust the BBC.....

[Bodger]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

20200224_084839.jpg

[Tizer]

That's very funny, Kev. I've seen some pirate jokes in my time but they're not a patch on that one!

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

Paddy, Mick and Murphy scooped the prizes in the local pub raffle. The first won a crate of beer, the second won a side of pork and the third won the booby prize, a toilet brush. The following week they met for a drink and the first remarked,

"Well, that was a bit of luck last week", said Paddy, "I really enjoyed my crate of beer".

"Yes, indeedy", said Mick, nodding his head, "the pork was great, especially the crackling".

"And what about you, Murphy"? they said, looking at him and noticing the grim look on his face.

"Well, I was a bit disappointed, to be honest", he replied. "I think I'll just go back to using toilet paper".

[Stanley]

Good one Bodge and a variation on the old tackler joke on the same subject.

[Tizer]

The papers have lots of fun this morning, thanks to Boris and Carrie!
The Sunday Times cartoon this morning shows a military man listening outside the door of the government's COBRA office. A voice inside is saying: `1. Have baby. 2. Get married. 3. Sorted!'

The Daily Mail headline is `Cripes!'

On the radio I heard Boris referred to as the `Pram Minister'!

[Stanley]

Will the child have a secure and loving childhood? In my experience the most stable homes are not to be found in the over-privileged. Or is that just the politics of envy.....?

The best current joke I have seen is Johnson expressing 'full confidence' in Ms Patel......

[Bodger]

Everyone a John Lennon Airport as been quarantined , Imagine all the lonely people !

[Tizer]

We should never have become so dependent on China for our food and medicines. Now look where we are, our pangolins have come home to roost!

[Cathy]

Has England still got loo paper. Our supermarkets are having trouble keeping the shelves stocked.
They keep telling that the country has plenty, but people are panic buying. And paracetamol.

There is now a limit of 2 packs of loo paper per customer. I would think that is a large pack.

[chinatyke]

Has England still got loo paper. Our supermarkets are having trouble keeping the shelves stocked.
They keep telling that the country has plenty, but people are panic buying. And paracetamol.
There is now a limit of 2 packs of loo paper per customer. I would think that is a large pack.

At least you'll have clean bums if you need to go to hospital!
Is this a modern day version of the old fashioned advice your Mum used to give you: "Make sure you've got clean undies on just in case you get knocked down and have to go to hospital!"