Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

I love that song.....

[Bodger]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor, "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face……

[Stanley]

The old ones are always the best?

[Stanley]

Not so much a joke as a cautionary tale...
A man was driving home in the early hours of the morning when he got a flat tyre. He went to change the wheel but found he had no jack. While pondering what to do he saw a light in a farmhouse near the road so he set off towards it. As he got close the light went out and he thought oh bugger, they've gone to bed, they aren't going to like being disturbed. As he got closer he became more convinced this was going to end badly.
He arrived at the house, threw some gravel at the window and after a while it opened a head appeared and said politely "Can I help you?" The man was so wound up by this time that he shouted back "You can keep your jack and shove it!"
There is a message in this tale.......

[Tizer]

What do you use as a measure of happiness?
Answer...

► Show Spoiler

A spirit level!

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

I stole that one from the Laurie Taylor Radio 4 programme on `Happiness'!

[Stanley]

He's been going a long time!

[Big Kev]

There was an ABBA tribute act on the High Street yesterday, it was very loud. You could hear the drums from Nandos.

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

That went over my head, I am missing something!

[Big Kev]

That went over my head, I am missing something!

You need to be familiar with a particular ABBA song.

[Cathy]

Stanley, just type ABBA Fernando into Google.
Enjoy

[plaques]

For those who don't speak with the clarity of diction like us dus.

[Bodger]

One day, God speaks to Noah. "Noah", he says, "I want you to build
another Ark."
"What, like the last one?" asks Noah.
"Yes," replies God, "Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks."
"And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last
time?' asks Noah.
"No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it".
Noah is a little puzzled. "Just fish?" he asks.
"Yes," says God. "In fact, just carp."
"Just carp? Why carp?" Noah quizzes.
"Well," says God, "I've always wanted a multi-story carp Ark!"

[Tizer]

Good one, Bodger!

[Stanley]

I like it. It reminds me of a story I once heard about a Comedian called Nosmo King. (LINK. He said he was in a hotel one day and one of the things on his mind was to invent a catchy stage-name. He saw Nosmo written on one half of a door and when the other half swung to he realised it was a 'No Smoking' warning. That solved his problem!

[Bodger]

I own a pencil that was once owned by William Shakespeare. But he chewed it a lot, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B?

[Stanley]

[So you kept the Xmas cracker jokes?]

[Tizer]

The simple jokes are always the best ones - thanks Bodger!

[Tizer]

In the newspaper I saw someone quoting a Lancashire estate agent's details of a house for sale. It was claimed to have `a downstairs wet room that is `ideal for washing muddy dogs and dirty willies'.

[Stanley]

Sounds very practical!
Reminds me of an old joke.... A group of miners visited a local brothel on the way home on pay day. As they walked down the road afterwards a young miner said he was worried because his wife would notice that his willie was clean. One of the older miners said "Do what we do lad. Bat it with thy cap!" (Sorry about that...)

[Big Kev]

20200127_191042.jpg

[chinatyke]

And the obverse side:

[Big Kev]