Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

I was watching an Australian cookery show this afternoon, the chef made a very nice looking meringue and the audience clapped and cheered. I found that a bit strange as Australians usually boo meringues.

I'll get my coat

[plaques]

I think this one is even worse.

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

[Big Kev]

[Cathy]

Both

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

That'll be right.... Love the dog in the fire truck.

[plaques]

Fatman.jpg

[Marilyn]

He could also be guilty of “over-stocking”. (I am just saying...he ain’t starving babe)

[Cathy]

What the... heck is he? omg

[Tizer]

The word dirigible comes to mind. He's obviously been drinking too many fizzy drinks. It would be ironic if his kids call him pop!

[plaques]

65 year old woman


A 65 year old religious woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, " No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

God replied:

" I didn't recognize you "

[Cathy]

If it we’re true, there would be quite a few.

[Stanley]

I like it P.

[plaques]

Grandma Joke.

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

[Cathy]

I popped this on Today I Will Mainly for Sue

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[plaques]

Garden.jpg

[Big Kev]

Garden.jpg

[Stanley]

I agree Kev, Nice one P.

[plaques]

Mrs P got the 'garden' one from our next door neighbour. She replied that I was taking a tree out at the bottom of the garden, roots and all, and it would leave a big hole. To which the reply was. 'Good I'll know where to look". Sounded like she had a plan for her own hubby.
I think I'll leave the tree where it is.

[Tizer]

[plaques]

Boris.jpg

[Stanley]

[plaques]

Blond .jpg

[Big Kev]

I showed that to 'er indoors, she didn't find it funny. I can't understand why

Blonde hair and blue eyes might have something to do with it

[Big Kev]

I might get away with this one as 'clean', it did make me laugh...

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