Old fashioned clean jokes

[Bodger]

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…
Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "works for ketchup."

[Tizer]

Good one Bodger. The joke probably works even better in Germany when the little boy is called Heinz!

[Big Kev]

Adavanced Notice
The Nativity has been cancelled this year.
The three wise men are currently under a travel ban.
The shepherds have been furloughed.
THe Innkeeper has had to close for the duration of the lockdown.
Santa can't work as he will break the 'rule of six' with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.
As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a test.

[Bodger]

The Lawyer with 12 kids
A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children,
needed to move because his rental agreement
was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children,
no one would rent a home to him because they
felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children,
because he couldn't lie.
Now we all know lawyers cannot, and do not lie...
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to
see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and
the price was right -- the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered
“Well, they're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie,
one only has to choose the right words…
and don't forget,
most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

[Bodger]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

[PanBiker]

You're on a roll Bodge.

[Stanley]

All pretty good I'd say!

[chinatyke]

Teacher, to her class: "Name something beginning with E that you're not very good at"

Little Johnny: "Spelling"

[Tizer]

This is genuine, it's not a joke. It's a headline in the Ayrshire Daily News...
`South Ayrshire Golf club owner loses 2020 presidential election' LINK

[Stanley]

I love it Peter, and totally accurate!

[Big Kev]

Screenshot_20201112-200809_Metal Pro.jpg

[Stanley]

Love it Kev.... A good one!

[Cathy]

A man goes ice fishing for the first time.
He walks out onto the ice and hears a booming voice proclaim
“There are no fish under the ice”
He ignores the voice and proceeds to cut a hole in the ice , and throws his line in.
Again, he hears the booming voice.
“There are no fish under the ice!”
The man looks up and nervously asks, “God?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

Nice one Cathy.....

[Big Kev]

20201103_180035.jpg

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

Funny you should post that. Susan is finishing knitting the scarf she started making for me last winter.....

[Tizer]

The front page Sunday Telegraph cartoon shows a farmer guiding his turkeys into the back of a trailer. The last turkey is saying `I'd always planned to be gone by the end of the year'.

[Big Kev]

I phoned Boots the Chemist to order some incontinence pants, they asked where I was ringing from.
I told them from the waist down...

[Stanley]

That's not funny when you get to a certain age!

[Cathy]

Pretty sure this is an Oldie, but it’s still a Goodie.

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar.
Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook on one hand and a wooden leg.
“Matey, what happened to ya?” asks Morty.
Sol replies , “Well... My pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off my leg. So now I have this wooden peg in it’s place.”
“And your hand?” asks Morty.
“When my ship sank, a shark bit my hand off. So now I’ve got me a hook.”
“Arrh okay , but what about the eye patch?”
Sol replies, “I was standing on the deck, and the biggest seagull I ever saw, pooped right in one eye.
Confused, Morty asked, “But you don’t go blind from seagull poop, do ya?”
“No”, admitted Sol, “but it was my first day with the hook.”

[Marilyn]

Good one Cazza

[plaques]

I like that,

[Tizer]

Very good Cathy, five stars!