Old fashioned clean jokes

[chinatyke]

[Tizer]

All great jokes - keep them coming!

[Stanley]

Nice one Kev.
This one actually happened but I thought it was funny at the time. Tramming down from Scotland with 60ft of motor and a full load on the dual carriageway near Lockerbie. I was passed by a sports car that cut in and braked making me brake as well. Then I got a 'V' sign out of the window and he roared off. A few miles further I saw some drips of oil in the fast lane which rapidly developed into a serious continuous stain. A mile or so further on I came across the culprit stopped in a lay-by, bonnet up and a thin haze of blue smoke. You've guessed it. It was the sporty young man who had cut me up. Did I sound my horn and wave at him? You bet I did!
On another occasion I was walking across an almost empty Co-op car park and a car shot passed me and skidded to a halt in a disabled parking space. He had one of those plastic air dam kits fitted which makes you go faster. Problem was he had knocked it off on the high kerb. As I passed he was getting out pursued by an angry young lady screaming at him. I asked him what he did for an encore....
Sometimes you have to believe that there is indeed a God.

[chinatyke]

A man tells his Rabbi “I have a strong desire to live to eternity. What am I supposed to do?”
The Rabbi replied “Get married.”
“It’s that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?”
“No, but the desire will disappear.”

[Stanley]

I love Jewish humour.....

[chinatyke]

My Granddad always said "As one door closes, another one opens" - lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

It's 5 minutes walk from my house to the pub and it's 35 minutes walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

[PanBiker]

[Stanley]

That hit the spot Kev!

[Tripps]

London joke

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

► Show Spoiler

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

[Big Kev]

London joke

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

► Show Spoiler

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean...

[Tripps]

That's nice - I had you in mind when I put it up.

[Stanley]

Without looking at the spoiler... You can't wash your feet in a buffalo!

[Tizer]

Mrs Tiz knew it too without looking. I didn't.

[Stanley]

Smart cookie!

[Big Kev]

1571288093502.jpg

[Tizer]

As the judge said, nil illegitimo carborundum.

[Stanley]

Don't bother trying to sandpaper an elephant down to a greyhound. It doesn't work!

[Tizer]

Apparently the civil service are so fed up with Boris's special advisor Cummings that they've requested non-dom status.

[Tizer]

John Humphrys tells how when he was a newspaper reporter in Wales he was present at a council meeting which discussed making the local castle more attractive to tourists. One councillor suggested making a moat around it. Another said: `Yes, and we could get a gondola' at which a third said: `Great idea, get two and then they can breed'.

[Stanley]

My mind goes back to the gondola thread we once had on OG triggered by my story about the submarine on the cut.

[Tizer]

While walking today we passed a parked van which had the following sticker in a rear window: `No Jaffa Cakes are left in this vehicle overnight.'

[Stanley]

[Tripps]

Since Jacob Rees Mogg has been banished to the outer darkness, and become an un-person by his colleagues, the time has perhaps come to reveal this story of his holiday a couple of years ago.


Rees-Mogg injured in chip pan fire at holiday caravan

Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP for West Snooty, has been injured in a chip pan fire at his mobile home in Rhyl, North Wales. The MP, 57, was cooking dinner at the Sandy View Caravan Park & Retirement Resort when he heard a noise outside and became distracted, according to his wife, Baroness Kichenne T’able.

‘I’ve told him before about the dangers of chip pans but he never took no notice,’ said Baroness T’able. ‘He’d tell me, “Shut it Baroness, I’ve done more chips than you’ve had hot dinners.” Which is a joke, right, because he don’t do no cooking at home, unless we have a barbecue. I was out at the bingo at the clubhouse so he gets the tea on the tiller stove so’s it’s done in time for Strictly. He loves Strictly he does, though he can’t stand that Craig-Rebel Horlicks, reckons he’s a right ponce.’

‘Where was I? Oh yeah, there’s a noise outside. The kids from the caravan next door were kicking a ball at the van again. He was out there for maybe ten minutes effing and blindin’. Then he smells smoke and runs in. It was like Tonto’s inferno in there. Turns out he’s only used oven chips, what are dry and so way more liable to get inflamed. Mug.’

Rees-Mogg acted quickly, throwing a damp puffa jacket over the flames, but droplets of hot oil from some Farm Foods Chicken Tikka-Style Pork & Beef sausages splashed his arm when he reached across an adjacent pan. He bravely put out the flames, then went to see the Holiday Park’s first aider, Eva Jones, known as ‘Elastoplast Eva’, who dabbed witch hazel on his oil scalds.

‘He wasn’t making no fuss but I could tell it stang,’ recalled Ms Jones. ‘But he’s a proper man, don’t like to show his feelings, not like those young blokes who come in with a nettle sting. I calls his missus and she give him a right bollocking. Mind you, I don’t blame her. She was only one number short of a line which would have won her six quid.’

Mr Rees-Mogg was not available for comment. However, Costas Constantiou, proprietor of The Codfather chip shop in Rhyl confirmed that the MP came in to buy four battered sausages and two large portions of chips, with salt and vinegar, soon after. Rees-Mogg is expected to return to his parliamentary duties shortly.