Family Matters

[Stanley]

Janet is enjoying her freedom from treatment and from the reports it's doing her good. Still on the pain medication of course but getting good sleep, eating well and having some quality time with her family. This will do her good and help prepare her for what is coming, even more treatment!

[LizG]

Two or three weeks ago I posted that my mother-in-law has breast cancer and my sister-in-law had just been diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma for the second time.

Well there's good news and bad news. It turns out that if you have cancer then my mother-in-law has the 'best' kind. It's hormone based and will be treated with hormone tablets. No surgery required thank goodness.

Unfortunately the news for my sister-in-law is not so good. The cancer is in her chest, her pancreas and her bone marrow. The treatment is so much worse than last time. 6 days straight of chemo, 22 hours a day, 4 times with 2 weeks off after each 6 days. Then they'll see how well it worked. They froze stem cells after the last time so hopefully they will be able to use them this time.

She had her 60th birthday at the end of last month. It breaks my heart.

[Stanley]

It does indeed Liz. I wish her the best of luck......

[Marilyn]

Doesn't sound like a good way to spend Christmas, Liz.

[Stanley]

All is quiet with me this morning......

[Tizer]

Liz, I'm sorry to hear the news about your sister-in-law but pleased that your mother-in-law has a less serious problem than it might have been.

Our news today is that Mrs Tiz's father died last night. He had been in the nursing home about three years and had Parkinson's disease and vascular dementia Fortunately we've known he was getting close to the end and the doctor had said on Friday that it was probably a `matter of hours', so we did have plenty of warning. At least he's no longer suffering distress. He was 89 and had a very active life, did a lot of travelling, had a successful career as an industrial scientist and manager and played a significant part in several professional societies. In retirement he helped organise the training of young people in science and technology and was active in industrial archaeology, especially in the Forest of Dean. On a more personal note, he was a lovely generous and compassionate man with an insatiable curiosity about life and would strike up a conversation with anyone. I count myself fortunate to have known him and, even better, to have had him as a father-in-law. (And I'm glad to be able to say that his two daughters share those attributes too.)

[LizG]

A nice tribute to your father-in-law Tiz. It sounds like a good life well lived.

[Sue]

So sorry Tiz and of course Mrs Tiz

[Stanley]

Speaking as someone with a passing interest in good deaths I think that post is lovely Tiz and it's good that Mrs Tiz and you can now relax and start celebrating. You've done your grieving and nobody could have done better. Now you have the memories. Nice to hear the daughters take after him, you can't escape the genes.
On a parallel subject, Janet and her two best friends have made a sound file to be played at her funeral. I suspect it's going to be very funny!

[Nolic]

Tiz, I'm sorry for you and your wife's loss. Colin

[Marilyn]

My thoughts too, Tizzy.

As to Janet's "sound file"...I can only imagine the effort it takes. I know that when I thought I would lose Febby ( and the kids had been to see him for the possible last chat)... Oh god! It was just awful. Couldn't go through that again. Somehow made it home, fell into bed and woke up feeling something was not right...discovered I still had my shoes on. Next morning I also discovered two coat hangers in the bed and a tea towel. Some of us go a bit wobbly at such times.
This must sound like I came home via the pub, but trust me, I was just driving home on auto-pilot!
( and it didn't help that he had signed a blank cheque...for his funeral...and said "don't go overboard love". Gawd!)

[Tizer]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. We're about 150 miles from the nursing home and Mrs Tiz's sister lives close to it - she wanted the parents close by because her son and daughter also live in the vicinity (whereas we don't have any) and they have children now. Sister happens to be abroad on holiday but her daughter is `on the case' and will register the death with remote backup from us. Then when sis returns we can begin organising the funeral - she likes to organise events and it's best to let her get on with it. Also she's the one with the big family and knows best what everyone wants and what their availability is. Grand-daughter Renee is known for her lovely smile and it's great to know how great-grandad would still respond to that smile even when he was well into dementia.

Maz, your story of waking up in bed with your shoes on and accompanied by coat hangers and tea towel was much appreciated by Mrs Tiz and got a big laugh. She had some difficult moments yesterday and could have ended up likewise! Your comment about Febby's blank cheque reminds me of an important point on power of attorney. It feels strange when you have had power of attorney for someone and then suddenly they've died and that power is immediately terminated. Even if the deceased person had left money in a bank account to cover funeral expenses you can't legitimately use your PoA to access it for that purpose.

[Moh]

Condolences to you & Mrs Tiz.

[PanBiker]

Condolences from Sally and myself also Tiz, please pass on to Mrs Tiz.

[Tizer]

Thanks all. I should have said that the staff of the nursing home have been marvellous, there was someone to check on Dad every 15 minutes and they had everything on hand to help him. He was being turned over in bed frequently and they had drugs to ease pain or distress, although they didn't seem to be needed. They all seemed to like him and declared him a gentleman from the day he arrived to the very end.

[Marilyn]

Please reassure Mrs Tiz that little lapses are quite acceptable. The brain can only cope with so much, and it is ok to get a bit frayed around the edges. It will pass...

[Cathy]

My condolences to you and Mrs Tize.

[Stanley]

It's a while since I gave you an update. Janet continues to fight under a brutal regime of treatment that is sapping her constitution but is vital to keep her alive. It's heart-breaking watching this happen but also inspiring to see your kids supporting each other and the rest of the family. I am so proud of them but incredibly sad that we have to go through this..... Sorry, I am not upbeat about it.

[Marilyn]

I know it's tough, Stanley. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other at this time.
You can't do any more than that...
Hard enough at the best of times, without running into people gearing up for Christmas, I expect.
It's nice to get an update, even though it doesn't have a whole lot of joy behind the news...because we do think of Janet often and wonder how it's all going...and wish happy thoughts for her.

[Stanley]

I don't want to give the impression that she's miserable. She did have a slightly detached phase last week but the nurse changed her medication and she came out of it. She has got good pain control and better sleep and this in turn makes her enjoy the day more once she's got the early morning treatments out of the way and had food and a sleep. Things could be a lot worse! But, it's still hard.....

[Sue]

Thank you for the update Stanley. Janet sounds like a very brave and positive person. Is there any indication that the various treatments are having any positive outcomes . Thinking of you all

[Cathy]

Oh Stanley, we understand that you are not feeling upbeat. No need to apologise.
It's great to see you are keeping up your routine and interests. I imagine it helps you up to a point, but beyond that just know that we are thinking of Janet and all of you everyday.
Sending love and good thoughts.

[Tizer]

Be strong, Stanley, for Janet. That's what she'd want.

[Moh]

You are a strong person Stanley you will cope. As you know we know exactly what you are going through - the difference is we could be with our daughters so it must be even harder for you.

[Stanley]

I've just had a lovely long conversation with Susan. I'm not going to load you all with the detail but briefly, Janet had another MRI scan yesterday of her spine an her upper body as well. They have found what they think are other secondaries and the main tumour in the spine hasn't responded to the treatment, it is still growing. They can do no more on her spine and are going to move to the secondaries in her frontal lobe. She is getting other disturbing symptoms but the thinking is that these can be countered by medication. The general picture is of slow but steady dissolution.
There are good things! Susan says that the most powerful influence on Janet is when she and Margaret are with her. The power of the Sisterhood! The support services are all in place and working well. What strikes me is that all of them, including Robert and the children are doing a wonderful job in what can be very trying circumstances. They are all glad when there is a shaft of sunlight but looking from the outside, the situation has become normal to them and if any of us had to plunge in and experience it I think we'd feel we were very close to hell on earth. I am so proud of all them.
Thanks to all of you for your interest. Janet knows she has friends out there and it is helping her. I promise I'll let you know of any changes.
Moh, the fact that I am not there is in fact a protection. If I was there I would be an added problem because I don't think I could deal with it as well as they are. The decision Janet and I made for me to stay here was a good one. It must be hell for them and I am so proud of all of them.