Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

From a Jewish joke web site...
After a performance a cantor - trying to impress - tells the crowd that his voice is insured with Lloyds of London for 1 million dollars. A voice from the back of the room says "So what did you do with the money?"

[Tripps]

That made me laugh out loud as they say.
That's not an easy thing to do - ask anyone who knows me.

[chinatyke]

Progressive parenting, 2019.

Small boy: Mom, I want to jump off the roof wearing a cape.
Mom: No!

Small boy: Mom, I want to play with matches.
Mom: No!

Small boy: Mom. I want to drive our car.
Mom: No!

Small boy: Mom, I want to cut off my genitals.
Mom: Whatever you say, honey, it's your choice.

[Tizer]

That made me laugh out loud as they say.

It made my day to know that!

Mom: Whatever you say, honey, it's your choice.

China, that's a lovely satire on the current strange belief that you can ignore your chromosomes and choose to be a different sex; and the way some parents encourage it in their children.

[Stanley]

Tiz. I had the same reaction as David, I hadn't heard that one, very rare. A very good joke.

[Tripps]

From another site - swear words softened . . .

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says ” as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account” the manager replies "Oh what sort of a job do you have?” The little girl replies ” I have a job on a building site” the mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. ” well that’s wonderful says the bank manager it’s so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?” ” yes says the little girl if those buggers from Jewson's deliver the bloody bricks on time.”

[Stanley]

Nice.....

[Tizer]

"My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles." - Les Dawson

Stan Boardman joke about a tough school:
English Language teacher, to the class: `What comes after a sentence?'
Kid: `You make an appeal.'

[Stanley]

They don't write 'em like that these days.....

[plaques]

Paddy driving home Christmas eve after a quick visit to the pub when he was pulled over by the police.
Policeman, "I think you know why I have stopped you".
Paddy, " You think I've been drinking".
Policeman. " Well its late and its Christmas so if you can say the alphabet backwards you can go"'
Paddy, " ZYXWTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA"
Policeman. "Very impressive I doubt if I could have done it if I'd been sober."
Paddy, "Neither could I".

[Stanley]

That reminds me of a news item I once saw, I have an idea it was in Bristol and the Chief Constable had instructed the traffic police to congratulate anyone they saw driving noticeably well.
Two officers in a patrol car were following a car that was being impeccably driven so they pulled him over and congratulated the driver. He said "Thank you Officer but when you're as drunk as I am you have got to be particularly careful."
They booked him for Drunk in Charge of course.
I wonder if that was true?

[Cathy]

I’m laughing my way thru my new Billy Connelly book, it’s a pity that I can’t put some of the jokes on here.

[Stanley]

Go on Cathy, push the boat out. We need a laugh!

[Cathy]

I couldn’t Stanley, I really couldn’t.

Well OK... this is the shortest one I’ve read so far, and I do hope you have heard it before so that it doesn’t shock.

Billy says ‘ I hope I can get away with this. It’s a beauty.’

This man, he says, ‘How’s the wife?’
The other one says, ‘Ah, she’s deid.’
He says, ‘Wha?
The other one says, ‘Deid. In the ground. I murdered her. I’ll show you if you want. ‘
He says, ‘Aye, yeah, show me.’
So they away up to his tenement building, thru the close, and sure enough there’s a big mound of earth. But there’s a bum sticking out of it.
He says, ‘Is that her?’
He says, ‘Aye.’
He says, ‘What did you leave her bum sticking out for?’
He says, ‘I need somewhere to park ma bike!’

(Am I still in your Good Books? )

[chinatyke]

[Stanley]

Course you are Cathy! I can remember the first time I heard the Big Yin tell that one....

[Cathy]

Me too, it was on the Michael Parkinson show.

[Tizer]

Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxious about his imminent operation.

His wife asked him: "What's the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?"

He replied: "I heard one of the nurses say 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure you'll be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you," said his wife. "What's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the surgeon!"

[Stanley]

I like that.....

[chinatyke]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma,
Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each
other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll
it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so one of the men orders 4
Martinis. In no time the bartender serves up four iced
Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says "That'll be 10
cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at
each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please." They pay
the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a
dollar yet.

Finally one of them says "How can you afford to serve
Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix" the bartender replied
"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this
place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help
noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't
have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the
men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "They're all retirees from Barlick.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."

[Stanley]

So cruel.......

[Cathy]

Oh China, you! Very good adaptation.

[Tizer]

Wicked, China, wicked!

[Stanley]

Forgive me for this one.... Same basic joke.
A man went in a bar and found to his surprise that all the drinks were ten cents. After he had had one or two he asked the barman why the low prices. He said; "Owner upstairs ******* my wife, I'm down here ******* his business".
(Sorry!)
I came across another version of this in real life when I was staying with friends in the Outback behind Dubbo. We went down to the local pub for the annual Thank You by the owner. When you ordered drinks you tossed a coin for them with the barman. He always lost! Only time I have ever been in a pub that gave out free booze!

[Cathy]

Luckily for you Stanley it wasn’t ‘the pub with no beer’.