Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Another gem, Gloria, thanks! I sent your previous one to my sister-in-law on her birthday and she hasn't stopped laughing since. She thinks about it every time something serious happens and it cheers her up.

[Bodger]

Some old fart may like these !!
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship

And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate

My 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says

'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink

The woman to her right says

'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink,

The man to her left says

'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink,he says

'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies

'Sonny, when you're my age,

You've learned how to hold your liquor...

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'




'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says

'Let's go upstairs and make love'

And you answer:

'Pick one, I can't do both!'




'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

On your new alligator shoes

And you're barefoot!




'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...

And your pacemaker opens the garage door!



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



'OLD' IS WHEN....

You don't care where your spouse goes

... Just as long as you don't have to go along.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down

By the doctor instead of by the police



'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action'

Means you don't need to take any fibre today



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

... In the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

To use the bathroom.



AND

'OLD' IS WHEN.....

You are not sure these are jokes!

Have a good day!

[Stanley]

Ageist and depressing but witty at the same time....

[Cathy]

Very good Bodger, don't feel that any of them relate to me tho... ...

[Bodger]

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.


The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.



Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.


The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.


By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.


It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.


Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.


By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.


He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.


As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.


The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,


"Sack my cook."


And truly that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[Big Kev]

Love it

[Cathy]

I'm not too pleased about that one Bodger

[Stanley]

That's it Cathy, you keep them up to scratch! Moh used to do the same thing on the old steeplejack's corner!

[Bodger]

I was walking through Heaton park and saw 4 Man U players playing football with a cat, i was going to ring the RSPCA, then noticed the cat was winning 1-0

[Bodger]

One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid

around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[Stanley]

Arthur Morrison had a joke about the old bloke who came in one day complaining of problems with his waterworks. The doctor asked if his urine burned, the old bloke said he didn't know, he hadn't tried setting light to it.

[Stanley]

Very rare one here. From Farming Today this morning:
Visitor "Why do you call the sheepdog 'Bra'? Farmer, "Because he gathers them in and points them in the right direction".

[chinatyke]

Paddy texts his wife...



Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.

[Stanley]

Makes perfect sense!

[Tizer]

The BBC web site has a photo of today's front page of the Daily Telegraph. The cartoon shows a couple watching their TV and the screen says "Milliband to go?". The man is saying to his wife "Oh no, just when I've learned to stop calling him Ed - or do I mean David?".

[Stanley]

That man is a walking invitation to cartoonists and satirists...

[Bodger]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so that they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded; since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "…How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland…"

[Stanley]

Can't think why but that reminded me of a piece of advice about dogs that wouldn't come back when called. The old bloke who taught me much of what I know about dogs said "If they won't come back there are only two reasons, either they don't like you or they have got a better offer".

[Bodger]

Have a laugh at old fashioned humor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg

[Stanley]

That was a blast from the past! The old ones are still the best..... Mind you, I go back to Norman Evans, Harry Korris, Lucan McShane and the Crazy Gang.....

[Tizer]

On the Radio 4 News Quiz they include some funny and/or strange cuttings from recent newspapers. This one from last week in the NZ Wellington Advertiser...
A Mrs Maynard wrote to complain that after her husband returned from treatment at Wellington Hospital he had lost all interest in sex. The hospital responded: "Mr Maynard came in for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

[plaques]

Wife, looking in the full length mirror'
"What do you like best, my slim figure or my beautiful looks"
Husband " Your sense of humour ".

[Bodger]

Not sure if this is true, i would like to think it is,


Subject: Fwd: Laughter for the Day!!! or great moments in history...




IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA.<<<<




ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG
WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.


HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP
FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND
HEARD BY MILLIONS.



BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK -
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".



MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT.



HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..



OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE -



'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.



ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD
QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.



THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL
ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE
ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":



IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.



HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR
BEDROOM WINDOW.



HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE
BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,



"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE
MOON!"

[Stanley]

Playing round with the concept that the methane found on Mars is probably due to micro-organisms farting Sandy Tokswig said that there was speculation that the methane originated from Uranus.....

[Stanley]

I've been reminded of this Golden Oldie. Afternoon tea at the hall, cucumber sandwiches on the menu. At one point Her Ladyship let out an enormous fart, turned to the butler and said "James! Will you please stop that!". His reply? "Certainly your Ladyship. Which way did it go....."