Old fashioned clean jokes
- Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
When I lived near Wigan there was a pub with a 'Punch' cartoon framed on the wall.LizG wrote:You've got to love a good fart joke!
Downton type family at dinner -
M'lord says to butler 'do you realise you have just farted before my wife?
Butler replies - 'dreadfully sorry m'lord - I didn't realise it was her turn'.

Born to be mild
Sapere Aude
Ego Lego
Preferred pronouns - Thou, Thee, Thy, Thine
My non-working days are Monday - Sunday
Sapere Aude
Ego Lego
Preferred pronouns - Thou, Thee, Thy, Thine
My non-working days are Monday - Sunday
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Then there's the one about the milord in his bath attended by his valet Wardle. Suddenly the valet goes out and when he came back milord says "Where did you go Wardle?" The valet said 'To prepare your hot water bottle milord" Milord was mystified and said "Why a hot water bottle at this time of the morning?" The valet said 'Because you asked for one Milord". "I distinctly heard "what about a water bottle Wardle" as you entered the bath....."
Work it out for yourself..... (say it quickly....)
Work it out for yourself..... (say it quickly....)
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Two of the jokes from Barry Cryer on the BH programme this morning...
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An elephant goes into the pub and asks for a pint of beer.
"We don't get many elephants in here", says the barman.
"No wonder, at these prices", says the elephant.
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Dennis Thatcher is supposed to have told this joke...
Dennis Thatcher took the train from Paddington for Bristol but there weren't any seats free. Then he saw a group of seats reserved with a notice saying `Reading Psychiatric Hospital' so he thought I'll be OK sitting here until Reading. When the train stopped at Reading station a group of patients got on and sat down around him, followed by the the man in charge of the group.
Man in charge: "Right, let me check you're all here....1,2,3...who are you?"
Dennis Thatcher: "I'm the Prime Minster's husband."
Man in charge: "4,5,6...".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady on the programme told the following joke:
"A woman told her husband that sex is better on holiday. What an awful postcard for him to receive!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elephant goes into the pub and asks for a pint of beer.
"We don't get many elephants in here", says the barman.
"No wonder, at these prices", says the elephant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dennis Thatcher is supposed to have told this joke...
Dennis Thatcher took the train from Paddington for Bristol but there weren't any seats free. Then he saw a group of seats reserved with a notice saying `Reading Psychiatric Hospital' so he thought I'll be OK sitting here until Reading. When the train stopped at Reading station a group of patients got on and sat down around him, followed by the the man in charge of the group.
Man in charge: "Right, let me check you're all here....1,2,3...who are you?"
Dennis Thatcher: "I'm the Prime Minster's husband."
Man in charge: "4,5,6...".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady on the programme told the following joke:
"A woman told her husband that sex is better on holiday. What an awful postcard for him to receive!"
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Barry still has the touch. I liked the Thatcher joke but the postcard one was short and brilliant....
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk ... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ... chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ... chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows and he hears a stirring from his wife.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He does back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows and he hears a stirring from his wife.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He does back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
He probably murdered him..... 

Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Little boy catches his mum and dad in the act of making love.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"We are making you a little brother" his father replies.
"Well can you do it doggy style? I really want a puppy."
"What are you doing?" he says.
"We are making you a little brother" his father replies.
"Well can you do it doggy style? I really want a puppy."
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Good job we're pretty liberal about what passes for an old fashioned clean joke on here.....
Pluggy's Home Monitor : http://pluggy.duckdns.org
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
The same thought crossed my mind but I kept stum. Doesn't qualify in my book.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Point taken, sorry. Can we be irreverent?
Three friends from the local congregation were asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man".
Ernest commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives".
Stanley said: "I'd like them to say, "Look ... he's moving!"
___________________________________________
Eliza climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Eliza then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Eliza asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
____________________________________________
An old woman goes to the Priest to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Priest says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old woman says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Three friends from the local congregation were asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man".
Ernest commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives".
Stanley said: "I'd like them to say, "Look ... he's moving!"
___________________________________________
Eliza climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Eliza then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Eliza asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
____________________________________________
An old woman goes to the Priest to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Priest says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old woman says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Definitely an improvement China.... 

Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Love the Eliza joke, now I understand why I haven't won the 'big one' yet


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. 

- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 100336
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
If I've remembered my Bible correctly it should have been Elijah....
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Old age isn't for cissies!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I was watching one of our favourite 'Irish' comedians today, Jimowen, he said he born on an island off the east coast of Ireland and the island was called England. Made me chuckle:)
(He only lived in England for a year.)
(He only lived in England for a year.)
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. 

Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
England isn't an island, Great Britain is. He should stick to growing spuds.Cathy wrote:I was watching one of our favourite 'Irish' comedians today, Jimowen, he said he born on an island off the east coast of Ireland and the island was called England. Made me chuckle:)
(He only lived in England for a year.)

Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Thanks for that
It's only a joke.

I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. 

Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Cath, someone living in the Orkneys or Shetlands would probably tell Chinatyke that he's wrong and Great Britain is not an island but an archipelago (cluster of islands)!
Whether it's an island or an archipelago we should all keep our priorities right and remember that famous newspaper headline:
"Fog in the Channel. Continent cut off"

Whether it's an island or an archipelago we should all keep our priorities right and remember that famous newspaper headline:
"Fog in the Channel. Continent cut off"
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Kev
Stylish Fashion Icon.

Stylish Fashion Icon.