OneGuyFromBarlick

I was disappointed to discover that the film Dunkirk wasn't William Shatner's biography.

I got it Kev!!!

Two years ago but absolutely in tune with events now.

I think I recognise that one Cathy.....
(Not a pretty sight!)

It's 7.00pm on New Years Eve and Bill the plumber receives a phone call.
"Good evening Bill, this is Doctor Green. I seem to be having a problem with my toilet, it's just not flushing properly"
"Good evening Doctor" replies Bill. "Sorry but my wife and I are just about to go out and enjoy the celebrations so I can't come right now"
"Bill", says the Doctor, "If you, your wife or any of your children were unwell I'm sure you would expect me to come to your house immediately"
Bill the plumber thinks this over and replies "I'm sorry, you are correct. I'll be there in 30 minutes"

The plumber is true to his word and is at the Doctors door within 30 minutes and the Doctor shows him to the toilet which has the problem.
Bill lifts the top off the cistern tank, peers in and pokes around a little.
He then takes two small white pills from his pocket and drops them into the cistern tank and replaces the cistern top.
Bill gathers up his tool bag and as he's leaving says "If it's no better tomorrow, call me"

The old ones are always the best Mick !

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber put a dollar in one hand and a 50cent in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the 50cent and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the 50cent instead of the dollar?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

That's a good one Cathy, never heard it before!

Trouble is I can imagine the buffoon saying that!

One newspaper has a front page cartoon today showing a headline `Drinks suitcase quits Downing Street' and a picture of the suitcase standing at a podium in front of No.10 and saying to reporters `I've had enough'.

I like it David, and they all have arms!

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)