Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY", where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key".
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess I don't need to ask about the beard ..........."

[MickBrett]

[Stanley]

Oh dear.....

[Tripps]

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[Stanley]

Sorry I missed the point of that one David.

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

Our Ukraine strategy.....

[Tizer]

Now, I'll just adjust the seat by pulling this handle on the side...Whoooosh....Aaaaagh!!!!

[Stanley]

I wish Peter......

[PanBiker]

That photo's the equivalent of Maggie Thatcher's "Lawrence of Arabia" in the Centurion. I hate to say it but at least she made an effort. Bozo looks about as far away from Maverick or Goose as you can get. Is he qualified to be in charge of that asset? At least Thatcher had a driver.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

A toddler was found chewing on a slug.
After the initial surge of disgust, the parent said,
“Well... what did it taste like?”

“Worms”, was the reply.

[Tripps]

I'm easily amused


Knock knock - who's there?

► Show Spoiler

The doorbell repairman

[Stanley]

Not sure about the slug Cathy....
I like David's.

[Stanley]

Not a joke. Just a desperately true image coming out of Ukraine.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

An old one. We didn't realise then how true it was going to become.....

[Cathy]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking and one said,
“Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said,
“What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and finally said,
“What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?” You know the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
“Hey Rose! What’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

[Stanley]

I like that one Cathy!

[Tizer]

That's a good cartoon. It not only satirises Priti Patel but also targets us Westerners who want the cheap labour to come and do the dirty work for us but won't support them when they're threatened with death and destruction by Adolf Putin.

[Tizer]