OneGuyFromBarlick

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"
"No...I'm a rabbit in Shropshire.

Fifty Shades of... Golf!
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands away, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’...
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So...Here I am!

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes" she said, "he's got one hanging there"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's our window cleaner."

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'

Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should heal completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

A lady governor at a local college was speaking about the principle, she said that he was impotent and desirable. A staff member stood quickly and pointed out that what she meant was competent and sought after. She was famous for her malapropisms but a good woman.

Subject: Listening

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?'

Haha that was clever

A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria, walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the drover, "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Tassie , the other one's a sandgroper. When we all left our home in Echuca, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers, and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The drover becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

That's a good one!
I was sent an oldie this morning. Patient lying in IC asks the nurse of his testicles are black. After some hesitation the nurse checks and tells him they are normal. He pulls the oxygen mask from his face and says, thank you, that was nice but Are my test results back?

> They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the
> Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley,
> Leicester & Luton
> because the giant couldn't smell any
> Englishmen.

Sorry, it disturbs me.

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his private parts with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Boundaries ? ?

Getting close to them Cathy but just about acceptable I think. Just about......

Its all in your mind, theres nothing untoward written

Shouldn't be any doubt about the suitability of this one. A notice I photographed on the door of the fish stall on the Polperro harbour side, Cornwall, last week. This isn't Cornish humour, it's just Cornish `normal'!

Like it, infers a nice relaxed way to be

Very relaxed in Cornwall, Cathy. They have a word, `dreckly', which means about the same as the Spanish `manana'. If you ask when will the train arrive they'll say "Dreckly" which means maybe soon, maybe later, perhaps not at all. They tell a story of a coach tour of Americans visiting Cornwall. Each day they asked "Can you tell us where we're going tomorrow" and the driver would say "Dreckly". At the end of the tour the trippers said they'd enjoyed Cornwall but they never did get to Dreckly. Have a look at these Cornish souvenir clocks for another use of the word! LINK

Regarding the Cornish sign, I saw one in Dublin with words to the effect:

"If we are open, please come on in, If not please come back later"

When we were in Holland with Annie the traction engine I noticed a sign on most roundabouts that pointed to 'Andere....' On enquiry I found it means other destinations. There is a joke about the tourist who decided to drive to 'Andere',,,,,,