Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

All good laughs but I particularly like Kev's 'family of four' joke.

[Tizer]

Caption: It's OK Boris, we're nearly there. Rishi and the others won't recognise you until it's too late.

[Tripps]

For Sunday school former pupils everywhere.

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[Stanley]

I had to look it up David.... How about
" “…gladly the cross I’d bear….”"

[Big Kev]

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[Tizer]

Will we have to go through this again?

[Stanley]

Actually Peter, if the numbers are anything to go by, we might escape that fate.

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

I like that one Cathy.....

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Got caught stealing a leg of lamb from Sainsbury's, security guard said 'what are you doing with that?'
I said 'Roast potatoes, peas and gravy would be nice'.

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

Obituary in 'Yorkshire Post' Newspaper:

The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales. The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published, but when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, “How Much?! You've got to be joking!!”

He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible. “I want summat simple,” he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky.” “Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. “Nay, lass,” he said, “she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: Gladys Braithwaite died."

“You must say when she died,” insisted the lady in the office. “Do I? OK, well, let's just put Died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do.” “OK," said the newspaper lady, "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”

The husband considered for a moment. “Well," he said, "just include.......... Sadly missed. ....That'll do.” “For the minimum price, you can have another four words included” the woman explained. “No, no,” the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that." “You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.”

“Are they? You mean ... I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?” “Yes, indeed, Mr Braithwaite.” “Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em.”
The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post.

Gladys Braithwaite died 17th January 2016.
Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.

[Stanley]

Lovely Peter! Not often I laugh out loud these days!

[Tripps]

Along the same lines. . .

An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks: Is my wife here?

Yes, I am here.

Are my children here?

Yes, your children are all here.

Are my grandchildren here?

Yes grandad, we are all here.

► Show Spoiler

Then why is the light in the kitchen still on?

[Big Kev]

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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[Tripps]

Very true.

My bedside alarm clock has been one hour 'fast' all summer. I'm used to it. I used to adjust it, but then it rebels and adjusts itself again - on the American weekend, which is not the same as ours. I gave up - and live with it. Goodness knows what time it will show tomorrow.

Doesn't really matter at all though -

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[Cathy]

[Stanley]

That's a good one David, new one on me!

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

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