Family Matters

[Stanley]

Managing multiple medication seems to be a constant problem. Wouldn't you think that more work would have been done on this before now.

[Stanley]

It's as well to remember every now and again that all family matters aren't unrelieved gloom. My great grandson Alexander James is eight months old now and here's a pic of him I got this morning. This child is thriving!

[Marilyn]

"Hi little man!" ( I am waving back)
Glory be...that is a complicated bit of baby kit he is sitting in.

[Stanley]

I thought that as well Maz but of course nothing to do with me...... Main thing is he's obviously thriving and happy.

[Tizer]

Just got back from our week's holiday in Cornwall and feeling rested & recovered from the ups and downs of Mrs Tiz's parents in the weeks leading up to to it. They are both in the nursing home now and in good hands and we don't have to worry any more about them being insecure or left lying on the floor after a fall. Mum was taken there from Hammersmith Hospital just before we left for holiday. Mrs Tiz had been in London hoping to go with her but had set out on her way back to Somerset assuming mum still wasn't being moved. Mum had been in hospital for weeks waiting to be moved even though the nursing home was ready to take her. Dad was in Ealing Hospital and undergoing a similar, but worse, waiting experience. He'd been in two weeks and they kept saying he was being moved but it didn't happen and while we were on holiday Mrs Tiz's sister drove to London, collected him and took him to the nursing home. Ealing Hospital is awful, noisy, beds packed close together and no-one taking responsibility for any issues arising.

We'd been telling both hospitals for weeks that the home was ready for mum & dad and that we'd be away on holiday for the week beginning 5th October. Hammersmith finally got their act together but Ealing failed miserably. They don't seem to understand how admission to a nursing home works and wouldn't provide the home with the necessary care information. We seemed to speak to a different person every time and that person wouldn't know what had gone before. It gets very depressing and frustrating and leaves us wondering how the NHS is going to cope with the coming tide of elderly folk through their doors.

Both hospitals seemed to think that mum & dad had to be `cured' of something before they would let them be discharged. The truth is quite different - they were both taken in as emergencies because they fell and couldn't get up and the carers are not allowed to pick them up. They were taken to the hospitals by the paramedics to be checked for broken bones, strokes etc but had nothing seriously wrong from the falls, yet the hospitals tried to treat them for the symptoms of their long-term illnesses for which there is no cure. In mum's case this is largely old age, infirmity, and almost no mobility; in dad's it's Parkinson's, heart disease and vascular dementia. They've been living with these conditions for ages but once the hospitals get you in there they think they must `cure' you before you can leave. No wonder there's a shortage of beds!

But it's a good ending - the nursing home is good, mum & dad are in the same place, they are safe and there's constant care available 24 hours a day. Don't let the government convince you that you must stay living in your own house when you grow old and infirm - make up your own mind where you'd prefer to be. And don't let people tell you that all nursing and care homes are bad places, that's simply not true!

[Stanley]

"And don't let people tell you that all nursing and care homes are bad places, that's simply not true!"
That needed saying Tiz. The bad ones get all the publicity. Glad it looks as though you have reached a solution.....

[Cathy]

Tiser Lovely to hear of a happy ending for such a caring and concerned family.

[Tizer]

Thanks, I hope that relating our experiences will encourage others to plan ahead and help those who need to deal with similar situations. It's easy for us to think we can stay in our familiar homes as we get to an advanced age and that everything will stay the same...but it doesn't, we gradually lose the ability to cope, partly due to ageing processes and partly due to rapid change in the world around us. Although we don't like to think about getting to that stage it's better to accept that it's likely to happen (unless we drop off our perch at an earlier stage) and be prepared for it. Similarly, children, who might themselves have reached retirement age or be approaching it, need to think about how they will help their parents, discuss it with them and if they agree set up power of attorney ready for when it needs to be activated. Or parents need to raise the issue with the children. It's also useful for us each to have power of attorney for our spouse. It all fits into that category that none of us likes to think about...pensions, insurance, disability, illness, death.

Now, to lighten up a bit and show I'm not all doom and gloom, have a look here:
http://www.oneguyfrombarlick.co.uk/view ... 564#p44564

[Stanley]

From your mouth to God's ear Tiz. You are so right, I have often talked to my kids about when I die. At first they didn't want to hear but I persisted and over the years they have learned to treat it as the last big joke, Dad perched up there on a cloud watching them trying to decide what to do with the archive/museum that is my home! Whenever they visit I encourage them to take loot away, if they fancy anything I give it to them.

[Tizer]

Just been to see my dad in his Extra Care Flat. He was talking about the shower room (yes, a wet room!) and said he `almost slipped the other day and would have to be careful'. I pointed out that at least there's one of those pull-cord alarms in the shower area to bring help if he fell down. The reply: "Yes, I know, but what I mean is that I'll have to be careful because all the staff are women and they'd see me with no clothes on".

Meanwhile, Mrs Tiz's parents are getting settled in to their nursing home environment. Dad's complaining there's a conspiracy against him because he wants to take mum to the shops and the staff won't let him. The truth is he can't cross the room without help and often falls down, while mum's largely immobile now and very frail. The nurses have explained why he can't go out but the owner of the nursing home was kind enough to see him herself and explain how it's all for their safety. If the truth be told dad has to have help when he moves about the home for the safety of other residents because he could easily fall on them (as he fell on mum a couple of times when they were at home). One of my relatives has a sister with dementia and she says the conspiracy is a common factor, she's had to cope with it in her sister for a while now.

On a happier note, Mrs Tiz's dad had his birthday last week and the staff gave him a card and put up a banner and generally made a fuss of him. Mum complained because they weren't making a fuss of her! He told us that he was given flowers. "Did you like them", we asked. "Yes," he replied, "but even better was that they gave me bread and butter pudding". That's one of his all-time favourites!

[Wendyf]

That's nice Tiz. It must be such a relief for you and Mrs Tiz to have them all safe and looked after. My Mum is still determined to struggle on.

[Stanley]

Nice to know that some care homes are worthy of the name. You and Mrs T must be sleeping easier at night....
I've mentioned it before, but worth repeating I think. I once visited a care home in the US and there was a large notice: "THE FLOGGINGS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES!". I said at the time that if ever I had to go in one, I wanted one like that!

[LizG]

My Mother in law entered a low care facility almost a year ago now. She was delighted that she didn't have to live by herself any more. My father in law had a massive stroke a bit over 5 years ago; he sometimes recognises us but mostly not.

We are very pleased that she is being looked after. Having had her for 3 days it's a shock how much she has deteriorated. When Den cleaned her shoes and handed them to her and she said 'why are you giving them to me? They're not mine'. She'd ony taken them off a couple of hours before. She tells you the same thing over and over again; it was very wearing. We learned very quickly that it was easier to agree than to try to explain too much. She was always a very needy person but now really does need taking care of.

My parents are the other side of the coin. Both 87, very sharp and still living on 2.5 acres. They've slowed down a lot but still get on their ride-on mowers (yes one each) and care for the place.

[Stanley]

It's the one thing I fear Liz. No point of course, if it's going to happen it will. On the other hand, death doesn't worry me....

[PanBiker]

Yesterday, the 18th November was 12 months since Dan died. Today is 12 months since we found out. It seems like yesterday and will probably always remain so.

I took the day off work yesterday as did our our other son Jack, our daughter Carla does not teach on a Monday so we all agreed to meet up at Malham and go on a walk for Dan. We followed Gordale beck upstream out of the village to Jennets Foss and then continued on to the scar. Both were quite spectacular yesterday with the amount of water in the beck,water was roaring over the edge and into the deep pool by the Queen of the Fairies cave and when we got up to the scar there was a continuous shower of droplets cascading from the overhanging ridge of the amphitheatre of rocks approaching the scar. We chose Gordale as it was a favourite haunt when the kids were young. Dan and I camped at the farm site there when he was 15 or 16 and wanted to test out his new tent before his first trip to Glastonbury. I remember the tent performed well and did all that it should do, we took bacon and sausages for breakfast and got fresh eggs from the farm. Morning fry up was amazing, good memories.

I never saw the tent again, I think it is still buried in one of the fields around the Glastonbury festival site. Dan arrived back in one piece covered in mud and two nights sleeping rough did not put him off further visits, it became an annual event when he was at college and university.

We had dinner at the Listers Arms after our walk. It was good day and something we will probably do again. Sally and Carla chatted about plans for next years big event which is Carla's wedding. Its 'going to be a winter affair, 21st December, they have chosen a hotel at Ullswater as the venue, something to look forward to.

[Stanley]

Sounds like a very healthy expedition. You're right about the loss not going away but in my experience time blunts the edge of the bad memories. It gets easier to be positive but it's still so bloody unfair! Just over 10 years since Big Harry was killed. (LINK) It was to be 7 years before the final settlement was agreed. After that the healing could start. These events are so damaging but I see parallels in the way you and Sally are dealing with it, so much like my daughter. In the end it makes the difference.

[Wendyf]

Thought I would share a little Mother/Daughter moment with you. Last Saturday I paid my usual visit to 92 year old Mum near Leeds, she can't see much these days and usually has a pile of letters waiting to be read and explained. I was stood reading one out when I noticed Mum staring up intently at me. (She is only about 4ft 6ins these days and I look down on her from my 5ft 3ins and a bit!) I have recently taken to growing my hair with the aim of having a long, grey plait by the time I get to 70.. I was having a bad hair day, woolly hats having flattened my usual curls, and I had put my hair "up" revealing more face than usual.
Me: "Something wrong?"
Mum: "I'm looking at your hair"
Me: "Don't you like it?" (Thinks....I thought you couldn't see anything!)
Mum: "No, it's awful, you look ancient!"
Me: "I am ancient!"
Mum: "Well, if you're ancient what does that make me?"
Me: "Even more ancient."
Mum: "Don't be silly."

Later that day when I'm back home the 6 o clock phone call...
Me: "Hi Mum"
Mum: "Have you changed your hair back yet??" (Anxious voice)

Was she worried that my guests for the weekend would have to look at the awful, ancient thing I had become or what??
Haven't been able to wear my hair up since though.

[LizG]

Wendy, I love it.

It must be the day for being told you're old. Look at the invitation we received yesterday from our 5 year old Grandson.

IMG_7305.jpg

[PanBiker]

Nice one Liz, apparently I have reached a "milestone" today with my 60th birthday. Funny that, I don't feel any different to what I did yesterday! I reckon I'm around 25 (in my head anyway).

[Cathy]

When my daughter was about 10 or 12 yrs old one of her school assignment was to interview one of her grandparents to ask about their younger life. I gave my daughter a cassette so she could tape it and keep it. She then wrote her assignment from listening to the tape. The main thing is that she still has the tape and her grandmother is now well into her late 80's and even tho her gandmother still recognises her when she visits, her memory is really bad. It's too late now to ask her grandmother questions which require details in the answers.

[LizG]

I agree entirely Cathy. The reason I became interested in the family tree was that my father in law had a massive stroke; it was too late to ask him anything so I began collecting as much information from that generation in the family as I possibly could.

I just can't (don't) believe that I lived in 'the olden days'!!!

Happy birthday Ian. My turn in January.

[Stanley]

I was talking to a friend of mine one day and said something like "you remember, just after the war" and he said "Stanley, I wasn't born until 1958!" I told him that either he looked older than he was or I considered myself the same age as him. I know I look old but don't think old.... Funny thing is I'll often look at someone who I know is my age and think how lucky I am not to look that old. Depends on how you see yourself I suppose. I can't believe that all my kids are over 50!

[Wendyf]

Happy Birthday for yesterday Ian.

[Tizer]

Happy Birthday + 1, Ian!
My dad (remember he's 95) often says things like "I'm surrounded by old people with zimmer frames, just look at them all! And he'll say it loudly and within earshot of all those people who are really younger than he is. (As far as we know he's the oldest resident in the home, out of about 20.)
He almost set fire to the place last week when his vacuum cleaner burst into flames. The cleaner had tried to use it and said it wasn't working properly so dad tried to take it to bits and put it back together. When it was next switched on it ignited and expired completely. Luckily one of the staff had dropped in to see him and was able to deal with the situation!

[PanBiker]

Thanks for your good wishes, on our family front, young Finlay is with us today as a recovering hospital dental patient rather than going to his nursery class. Dentist said he should not go today after his general anaesthetic. The dentist found that Finlay's molar that was causing the problem was developing as a faulty tooth, now that its out of the way his second will stand more chance of developing correctly. He must be on the mend, he's just nicked and eaten half of my toast!