Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Cartoon in today's Telegraph. Two men standing in front of a big computer at HSBC. One says to the other. "There's been a glitch. Instead of processing payments it's being arranging affairs between the customers."

[Stanley]

And I note that many of the contacts on the cheating site have been identified as computer generated... not genuine posts.

[Tizer]

Top Jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe, as listed by the BBC...
"The funniest joke was chosen from a shortlist compiled by a panel of judges, who saw an average of 60 shows each at this year's Edinburgh Fringe. The shortlisted gags were then put to 2,000 people, with no reference to the comedians who told them, who then voted for the jokes they found the funniest."

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe...
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

[Stanley]

Jack Sussman once told me that the best Jewish joke was Kosher wine.......

[Bodger]

Jack goes to his friend Jim and says, "I'm sleeping with the vicar's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after the service
for me?"

Jim doesn't really like this but, being a friend, he agrees

After the service, Jim starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, Bullshitting etc. just to keep him occupied.

Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks Jim what he's really up to.

Jim, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar: "My friend asked me to keep you occupied because he is sleeping with your wife right now."


The vicar thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Jim's shoulder and says.. My Dear JIM "I think you'd better hurry home now..... My wife died a year ago."

[Stanley]

That was a clever one. I must be a bit slow, after considering necrophilia for a second I got it! I like it.....

[Tizer]

Yes, it's clever, needs a double think!
Coming from Bodger, I wonder if it's indicative of everyday life in Ireland!

[Bodger]

All stories in Ireland are true, even the tall ones

[Stanley]

So that statement has got to be true.... I feel as though I am being sucked into Zen here......

[Stanley]

I noted that the Po[pe popped out of the back door of the Vatican yesterday to get a new pair of specs. It reminded me of a very old joke....
The Pope was on a progress through a small town when the strap broke on his sandals so the entourage stopped at Jewish cobbler's shop for a quick repair. The shop owner was so pleased he added some wording to his shop sign, "Cobblers to the Pope". The following morning when he woke he found that the Catholic owner of the shop next door had also modified his sign by adding "Balls to the Chief Rabbi".

[Tizer]

I wonder if the Catholic was a pawnbroker?

[Tripps]

I guess he really intended to go to Specsavers

[Tizer]

Good bloke, the Pope. Drives a Ford Focus and won't be coerced into new frames when all he needs are new lenses! Gets his shoes repaired too instead of buying new ones.

[Stanley]

He does seem to have a refreshing common touch. (and he's making some much needed internal reforms at the Vatican as well....)

[Tizer]

A front page cartoon in one of yesterday's papers shows two dogs, one saying to the other "It seems that I voted for Jeremy Corbyn too".

[Stanley]

Possibly the funniest thing I have seen recently re Corbyn is the article in PE giving examples of how headline writers have interpreted what he has said in public. Hilarious how, in their efforts to denigrate him and his policies, they have managed to completely skew the truth. Never let the facts interfere with a good headline!

[plaques]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on
his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth
to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 2 5 pounds, but the
rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire ...
like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league
player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?"
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how
much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised...'

[Stanley]

Love it.....!

[Bodger]

An elderly guy gets washed and shaved and in his best suit goes down to his local bar and restaurant, orders a drink and a meal, whilst waiting for the meal he spots a pretty female, he goes and joins her, with his normal chat up line, "tell me, do i come here often !"

[Cathy]

The eyes have it. Readers Digest.
Scene: A national spelling bee.
Judge: "Your word is 'spider'."
Kid: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Judge: "A spider has eight eyes."
Kid (smiling): "Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."

[Stanley]

Morning Cathy and Bodge.... i like them both.....

[Cathy]

Oldie but a Goodie...
"If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No, she's left-handed."

Oops

[Stanley]

I like that one Cathy! Very clever......

[Tizer]

Cartoon on the Telegraph front page shows a TV Newscaster saying: "Drivers of electric and hybrid cars may be 22 times more smug than originally thought."

[Bodger]

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.


NEW Wine for Seniors



California vintners in the Napa Valley area
which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as




Are you ready for this? ….



PINO MORE