Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

I have the bad knee Kev but rely on the Met Office for the forecast!

[plaques]

Is that our Andrew Stephenson MP sat on the naughty step.

.

Andrew Stephenson 2..jpg

[Stanley]

Yes, no longer a rising star in the Party since he threw his lot in with Liz in an effort to stay in the top echelons.

[PanBiker]

Is that our Andrew Stephenson MP sat on the naughty step.

.Andrew Stephenson 2..jpg

Where he belongs with all the other failed Tories.

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

05027C3A-5459-456E-81C6-CDF9A302A7A3.png

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool. They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that is how it all works.

[MickBrett]

[Tripps]

Train set.jpg

[Stanley]

I like it David....
Kev, it's a good joke but the sad thing is that too often I am sure it happens.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

D04E8BFB-CB88-4598-85E7-E80421FB228A.png

I wonder what they were talking about?

[Big Kev]

[Big Kev]

FB_IMG_1670946616632.jpg

[Stanley]

I like them both. Cathy, that reminds me of Salford. They were talking about her next door.....

[Tripps]

A Christmas Story. No laughing Kev. . . .

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out. Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood an angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Big Kev]

ouch ouch

[Stanley]

That's a good one David. When my kids were young and dressing the tree they used to refer to pushing the tree up the fairy's bum....

[MickBrett]

What's the difference between an anorexic and a shooting star?

One's all skin and bones, and the other's a little meteor

[Big Kev]

What's the difference between an anorexic and a shooting star?

One's all skin and bones, and the other's a little meteor

[Stanley]

Clever.....