Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

That's a great one Bodger, thanks! (Where can I buy it? ). Is it true there's going to be another, fizzy version for old men called Prostato?

[Stanley]

I like it! On a practical note, I have never worried about wanting a pee during the night as I always go straight back to sleep and I reckon the act of having that bit of exercise means you don't sleep in one position for too long....

[Bodger]

I hope i don't upset !
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing over £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nests now have excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt
and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a fully sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels "

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.”

[Bodger]

The Blonde......
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the telephone, but just as she's dialing, her four year-old son comes up and
says, 'Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on'.

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband,
rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.


'My husband's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the bloody kids!'

[Pluggy]

Now that was funny.

Good gob we have a permissive attitude as to what passes for a clean joke.

[Tizer]

Both of those are gems, Bodger, thanks for sharing them! I suspect that these days most serving RN personnel will enjoy the RN joke as much as the rest of us. It's in the true Brit tradition of satire and could have been a Monty Python sketch. The ability to enjoy such a joke is one of the many things that sets us apart from the likes of Vladimir Putin.

[Bodger]

Tizer, i am an ex Goon fan, and a lot of their humor today would have been considered non U, as was a lot of other jokes and stories, but no one died from all the ethnic humour that was told, as a Yorks, Englishman living in Ireland i get a lot of stick especially at present with the rugby etc. but i have a reasonable wit and can hold my own, so i don't let the side down

[Stanley]

If you want to see really savage satire have a look at the 18th century political cartoonists.... We are very moderate these days.... (LINK)

[Bodger]

An Englishman walks into a bar. There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and a Welshman also. But there still at the Rugby World Cup

[Big Kev]

Condoms are not always a guarantee of safe sex..........

A friend of mine was wearing one but was still shot by the woman's husband.

[Tizer]

On the radio today someone described a cartoon in the Daily Express. It showed David Cameron as a miniature figure dressed in a superman outfit standing on Angela Merkel's desk as she towers over him holding a fly swot!

[Big Kev]

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

Sadly, when I got home, all the signs were there...

[Cathy]

I like that one Kev, made me chuckle.

[Stanley]

Clever.....

[Tizer]

Short and snappy, the best type - I like it Kev!

There's always something interesting going on in our village. Yesterday I saw this sign in the window of the bakery which is on the busy main road: `Found. Chicken in road. Apply inside'

[Stanley]

Road Kill Pie?

[Cathy]

That one confused me a bit too.
Sorry Tize.

[Tizer]

That's why it seemed so zany to me. Did they mean a chicken? If so, dead or alive? Or did they mean a hen? It's not unusual to see the odd hen wandering about in the village, they go for a walk then wander back home. This seems to be a hen that was taking too many risks and the shopkeeper couldn't cope with seeing it `playing chicken' on a main road. Now we know why the chicken crossed the road - perhaps it wanted to get to the bakery!

[Bodger]

Inheritance Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided
he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and
I will inherit $200 million."

Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Stanley]

I like that one......

[Tizer]

Brilliant! Perhaps we need a woman Chancellor of the Exchequer.

[Big Kev]

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILLI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILLI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILLI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a CHILLI.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chillian aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilliI. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILLI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILLI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with CHILLI, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

[Bodger]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store
ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors here. The value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men have jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

Very good.