Old fashioned clean jokes

[Bodger]

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

[Stanley]

Oscar Wilde said it spoiled a nice walk in the countryside.....
Someone else said it was a small white pill with a liquid centre being chased by a large white pill with a liquid centre.

[Bodger]

The Fable of Two Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Stanley]

That is an original. I have never heard it before (and I have heard a lot of jokes....). Cracker David!

[Tizer]

Another comment from Daniel Finkelstein writing in The Times. He was writing about the 40th anniversary of the Brent Cross shopping centre in London and quotes Maureen Lipman as saying that when she dies she wants to be buried there so she can be sure her daughter will visit at least once a week.

[Stanley]

Jewish humour..... Can't be beat!

[chinatyke]

Don't know whether this is true but it sounds as though it could be.

Obituary in 'Yorkshire Post' Newspaper:

The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died.
They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.
The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published,
but when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered,
in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?! You've got to be joking!!”
He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.
“I want summat simple,” he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and
hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk.
“Nay, lass,” he said, “she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that.
And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say:
Gladys Braithwaite died."
“You must say when she died,” insisted the lady in the office.
“Do I? OK, well, let's just put Died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do.”
“OK," said the newspaper lady, "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add
some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”
The husband considered for a moment. “Well," he said, "just include....
...... Sadly missed. ....That'll do.”
“For the minimum price, you can have another four words included” the woman explained.
“No, no,” the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that."
“You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.”
“Are they? You mean ... I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?”
“Yes, indeed, Mr Braithwaite.”
“Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em.”
The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post.


Gladys Braithwaite died 17th January 2016.
Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.

[Stanley]

I agree, it has a ring of truth about it!
I was told once about an old Dales farmer who had a troubled relationship with his bank manager in Skipton because he was permanently overdrawn. This was in the days when attendance at the cattle market in Skipton was the highlight of the week and any business at the bank was transacted. The bank manager died and for three successive weeks the old farmer asked the clerk if it was true the manager had died. On the fourth week the clerk asked him why he kept making the enquiry when he knew the manager was dead. " I just like hearing you say it". Like your story, there is a ring of truth in that one.

[chinatyke]

I never realised Robert Mugabee was from Barlick until I read his name backwards.

[Marilyn]

That reminds me of that old classified ad joke...

WIFE WANTED.
Must be able to clean/gut/cook fish
and must own a fishing boat.
Please send photo of boat.

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
'You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay?
How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

This history of Andy Capp cartoons is interesting and fun! Andy Capp

[Stanley]

I always liked Andy.... My favourite is when Chalky was walking past the open window at Andy's house and heard Andy say to Flo, you wash and I'll wipe. Aghast, he looked through the window and then said to his mate 'It's all right. He's having a bath."

[Tizer]

My favourite is where the rent collector is standing outside the front door and Andy is leaning out of the bedroom window...
Collector: Did you get my rent demand?
Andy: Yes, nice bit of copperplate. Who wrote if for you?
Collector: Wrote it myself. Who read it to you?

[Tripps]

Here's the real life Andy. Bobby Thompson Good luck with the dialect.

[PanBiker]

Not a lot of problem with the twang.

[Stanley]

No problem Hinny, I have John and Mick to keep me up to scratch.

[Bodger]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines line down the middle of the road. He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day's work.

After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted four miles of road instead of the two required.

On the second day, Paddy completed painting just two miles of road. The foreman didn't complain as this was, after all, only what he'd asked for.

On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, "On yer first day, ya did four moils o' road. On yer second ya did two moils. But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What's up?"

Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what's up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself! Yer see, every day I gets ferder an' ferder away from da paint can!

[Cathy]

Oh very good What a wag!!

[Cathy]

Now bear with me, haha.
Many years ago I heard a joke about 3 guys in a helicopter, probably an Englishman, an American and (ofcourse) an Irishman.
The joke goes on a bit, possibly about things going wrong ?, anyway the punch-line is the Irishman saying
"It got cold, so I turned the 'fan' off.

Can anyone remember it?

[Stanley]

Hadn't heard that one Cathy but I get the drift.
How do you confuse an Irishman? Lean three spades against the wall and ask him to take his pick!