Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Wicked!

[Big Kev]

Not necessarily a joke but a good observation (copied from Facebook)

Annual reminder all shared from elsewhere...

The inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...
1. Turkey... It's a big chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer for £3 off the Internet and poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking .
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I (or any one else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy
4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the bloody things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!
5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same .
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
Rant over

Merry Christmas!

[Stanley]

Very True Kev. Did you see that the 'average Xmas Dinner ' is estimated to cost £32 this year? I reckon my meals cost about £2.50 each and Xmas is no different.

[Big Kev]

Very True Kev. Did you see that the 'average Xmas Dinner ' is estimated to cost £32 this year?

That's a lot to eat at home, we're eating out on Christmas Day for a similar price.

[Big Kev]

And don't forget to get enough food in for 30 days as the shops will be shut for 2 days this Christmas

[Tripps]

but a good observation (copied from Facebook)

Thanks for that. I think that is what 'normal' people actually do - and the rest is just to fill hours of TV cooking programmes, newspaper PR type articles, and celebrity cook books.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Tripps]

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[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

I liked them both but yours was the best David... very clever!

[Cathy]

Both good . Big Kev, your joke took me 2 reads, then it clicked and made me chuckle
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[Stanley]

Same here Cathy.....

[Cathy]

Just added another joke Stanley , at the same time as your last post.

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Big Kev, your joke took me 2 reads, then it clicked and made me chuckle

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the summer/winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2024 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the UK a great nation. Not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country in the world. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

Or

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

[PanBiker]

[Cathy]

Thanks Kev, I’m in there somewhere. Phew

[Stanley]

Can I take it that errors and omissions are excepted Kev?

[Big Kev]

Can I take it that errors and omissions are excepted Kev?

Absolutely