Family Matters

[Tizer]

Don't many local chemists have an arrangement with the doctor whereby they pick the prescriptions up and deliver free? Or is this only in small towns like Barlick.

There is a Lloyds pharmacy attached to my dad's GP's surgery and now that he's `in care' they deliver his regular prescription directly to him in the special blister packs for the carers to administer. But it gets complicated when the care home calls in a doctor and he's from a different surgery, he hands the prescription to the carer, and it was a Bank Holiday with only a couple of pharmacies open and no deliveries. Also, after a certain time of day it's too late to deliver.

Wendy, good luck with the care home search, it's not easy finding out what a care home is really like at the times when you're not there to see what's going on. For Mrs Tiz's parents we chose a small one run by an independent business rather than the big chains. It felt more friendly and `normal' than the fancy ones that are like walking into a very expensive hotel.

Sometimes doctors are too clinical to understand understand how their words might be interpreted by the patient. When my mum told the doctor she wanted to die he said something like "He'll come for you when the time is right" which did nothing at all to comfort her, she'd lost any faith she'd had in the past.

[Wendyf]

It's awful to be honest Stanley. I don't know if we can expect a sick 93 year old to get some sort of a grip on herself. Believe me my patience is wearing very thin, I have tried all I can to make her listen to reason but she just finds me annoying. I even tried to talk to her about death & dying but the look of sheer horror on her face stopped me in my tracks.
She has always had total control over her environment and the people around her, and I think the loss of control she now feels is more than she can bear. Having been brought up with "don't upset your mother!" ringing in our ears, it seems we have indeed failed her at last.
Just seen your post Tiz. The home I'm looking at today is quite small and looks good in the pictures. I seem to have seen quite a few in the past few years with looking after various relatives and I have got a bit of a grasp of how things work. My main aim is to get Mum in a place she will find comfortable.....tricky!

[Stanley]

When my dad said the same thing to me on the night he died after I went home for a shower and a quick kip I told him he didn't have any say in when he was born and I doubted if he'd have any on the time of his death. I asked him if he could last the night out and he said yes. Being a cussed old bugger he waited until I had gone home and then quietly slipped away.... I think he got the last word.
Just seen your post Wendy. I understand and sympathise. I still say you have the patience of a saint!

[Wendyf]

Well, we have been very naive believing that the powers that be would include us in discussions about Mum's future care. When I arrived on the ward today Mum greeted me from her bed with the words "Wendy, Wendy they say I can go home but you've told them I can't afford 24 hour care!! Let me go home, please let me go home!!" I nearly dropped through the floor. We had been expecting a chance to discuss her future with professionals and come to some rational decision. Apparently, because she pays for her own care they didn't see why we wanted a social worker involved...if I insisted on an assessment it would be a few days at least, and Mum has already said that her wish is to go home and as she is competent to make her own decisions they are legally bound to send her home.
This is all happening at 2.30 on a Friday afternoon. Luckily I managed to get in touch with my brother on his way back from a couple of days work in Bristol, and he managed to contact the care company we use. They can get things up and running for Monday and Steve will take Mum home tomorrow staying with her overnight and I'll do Sunday.
She won't last more than a few days before we reach crisis point again.
Good news is that the care home I went to see today is lovely, with a great atmosphere and a lot of happy, smiling people around. No smell either, which puts it high on my list. Pity we are going to miss the room that is available now.

[Stanley]

It's like a very bad soap opera Wendy! Let's hope she manages better on her own than you expect.....

[Tizer]

A few posts back I praised the NHS for sorting my dad and getting him back to his flat quickly. I now find that the carers called in a doctor who said the hospital shouldn't have sent him back, he should have had scans which are supposed to be obligatory after a head injury. He said if my dad didn't have carers he would have told the hospital to come and take him back immediately.

My dad has been without a ceiling light in his kitchen for 4 weeks. When it failed we were told it was our responsibility. I got a new fluorescent tube but couldn't fit it - after pushing it into place I couldn't rotate the tube to lock it in position and I was worried I'd break the glass and cut my hands. It looked as if the whole fitting needed replacing. I told them that was their responsibility, not mine, but they said it would be a week at least before anyone could do it. Time dragged on and my dad had to make do with a table lamp in the kitchen. Then he had the fall - which might have been related to lack of light. I got onto the council direct and told them about it and a very helpful lady said they hadn't been told about it. She got a man out straight away and I happened to be there when he fixed the light. He said the council always took responsibility in the past for lights in the care homes but now no longer. He was disgusted that my dad had to wait 4 weeks. Then he told me about a lady in the care home who'd been told by the council they couldn't deal with her bathroom light until the following week, even though the bathroom has no windows and is in darkness. "B*gger them," he said, "I'm going round now to do it for her now". The council knew he was coming to the care home that day, why couldn't they have told him to do it? Lack of joined up thinking and another sign of the incompetence in our organisations.

[Stanley]

Or even simply giving a competent maintenance operative with local knowledge a list of the jobs that needed doing and letting him schedule them. Bureaucrats love to compartmentalise and control allocation of services, that's what they do and it keeps them supplied with work (and more forms!). I always remember reading an account of when Mark Sieff took over as CEO of Marks and Spencer’s, the first thing he did was cut the number of forms used in the business in half. He got them to lay out examples of the forms on tables and they had to hire a large hall to have enough room.

[Wendyf]

Sitting with Mum, who is dozing away peacefully in her own chair. Struggling to get her to eat or drink and she is too weak to do anything for herself. Hoping to get her into a nursing home as soon as possible.

[Stanley]

What saddens me more than anything is that I believe I know the thought processes going on inside your head because I know how I would react. I can remember how pleased I was when an old mate died suddenly after a long struggle with a very debilitating stroke. He had a thrombosis one morning putting his socks on, went out like a light and we all agreed that somewhere he was skipping about shouting 'Yippee!!'. It sometimes gets to the point where death is a blessed release but of course we feel guilty about even thinking it. All I can do is feel for you....

[Sue]

Stanley I know exactly what you mean, it was the same with my Dad. We didn't want him to die but inwardly knew it was the best thing for him. He wanted it. We had to sit and watch the anguish he was going through, knowing there was nothing anyone could do. He wanted to die at 95, he did, on his 95 th birthdays . We joke that he has helped Burnley football club by blowing the ball from up in heaven.

[Stanley]

Thanks for that Sue. One of the lovely thing about this topic and the people who contribute is that you know you are fairly safe making some very disturbing but fundamental posts. It doesn't get much more fundamental than admitting that you long for closure at times and unfortunately death is the agent. Lousy situation but I have seen people almost destroyed by the process.

[Wendyf]

That's just what I was thinking last night as Mum was sleeping peacefully.

[Cathy]

Hope this isn't disturbing but we now quite often celebrate peoples lives after they have died. I think this may be easier to do when the deceased are released from pain and old age problems that inflict them mentally and physically. I think we feel the emotional pain, grieve etc because there is a big hole in 'our' lives and a lot of what if's, which ofcourse comes from our love for the person. I find it comforting to believe that the person who had passed over is free from pain and concerns. They are only behind a veil and we will be re-united without any physical, mental or earthly worries. It's what we and they have to go thru as humans during bad times that is the most upsetting. Sometimes we are firmly rooted in this world but they are 1/2 way into the next one.

[Sue]

Beautifully put Cathy

[Stanley]

I agree with Sue Cathy, lovely sentiments.
Wendy, the enemy is feeling guilty, ignore it. The thoughts in your head are perfectly rational and natural and based on love. Thinking about you....

[LizG]

Last Thursday we got a call to say that my father-in-law was extremely unwell and was only expected to live 24 - 48 hours. 6 years ago he had a massive stroke and has been in a high care facility since then; he hasn't been able to hold a conversation for many years. Friday he was extremely bright and chatty, Saturday not so good but had a fairly good weekend and yesterday was back to 'normal for him'. This afternoon his blood pressure has dropped to 70/30 so they have taken him off his blood pressure medication (!).

Talk about a roller coaster. He lives over 100km away so it is making it very hard for all the family to know when to visit, stay, go home etc.

Thinking of you Wendy.

[Wendyf]

Thanks Liz. I'm not troubled by guilt just at the moment Stanley, Mum is still managing to be amazingly annoying despite her weakness so a sort of seething irritation is beating guilt!
Steve is on duty today, while I recharge batteries. Mum phoned me at 8.15am to let me know she was about to die and wanted to say goodbye. I never manage to come up with the right response to that one, and she gets quite cross with me. Steve contacted me a bit later to say he had been trying to get her to take her tablets at the time but apart from that all is fine.

[Cathy]

Big relief for me that my last post was taken well.

[Tizer]

Don't worry Cathy, we're all the same on here as far as this goes, a down to earth attitude, caring but with a realistic side too. All the above is very relevant to Mrs Tiz and me at the moment. I wrote and sent a letter to the manager of my Dad's care home this weekend, copied to his GP too. It was difficult to write, basically stating our view on resuscitation for my dad and which reflects what we would want for ourselves. The most important bit was as follows:
"If we were told that John needed resuscitation to keep him alive but that it might leave him in a vegetative state, or paralysed, mentally disabled or badly physically disabled we would ask that resuscitation should not be given. John has always been a very active man and he would be devastated to find himself disabled. Also it is our view that a relatively pain-free death is a much better way to go than the risk of being trapped in a frightening life of distress. I suspect that if John were asked about resuscitation he might ask for it to be applied because he no longer has the power to imagine what it might lead to; he always assumes that he will be healthy and able for the rest of his life."

What makes it extra hard to write is the feeling that people are going to say that we just want him out of the way, which then causes feelings of guilt. What we really want is to prevent him ending up in pain, distressed, not knowing who he is, dependent on others for everything. Both of Janet's parents wish not to be resuscitated, but it's not something we can discuss with my dad.

[Sue]

We were asked the question about resuscitation when Dad went into hospital two weeks before he died, we said no. Let him die peacefully, it is what he wants. The matter never arose but he did die peacefully just as we all wanted, in his sleep having said goodbye to us all in his own way. He gave me the biggest hug I had ever had from him in all my life. All those years of anguish , frustration and anger just left me. I will never forget that hug.

[Stanley]

Cathy, you have no need to worry. I simply can't imagine you saying anything that would grate with me. One of the nice things about this thread is that we all feel free to vent our innermost feelings on subjects that are, too often, never discussed.
You rang a bell there with me Sue. My mother was good and caring but never demonstrative. The first time I can ever remember her kissing me was shortly before she died. When I went to see my old mate Newton the day before he died he gave me a big hug as I was leaving, totally out of character. His wife Belle noticed it as well and reminded me of it when she rang me the following morning to tell me he had died peacefully in his sleep. Very strange....
Wendy, I recognise the 'seething irritation' as an antidote for guilt! I've never experienced it connected to death but it came in very handy during my divorce!

[Wendyf]

Back at Mum's again after a lovely day at home on Tuesday. The plan is to move her into a nursing home tomorrow, I'm going to start packing some clothes for her soon. She is too exhausted to care at the moment but it's still going to be a tough day, we are hoping she doesn't get too distressed.

[Stanley]

Best of luck Wendy, I shall be thinking about you during the day.....

[Wendyf]

My brother & sister in law are in charge of the move. We felt that it wouldn't help much to have me there as well...Steve is very good at dealing with Mum and Kate isn't as emotionally involved as I am. I'll be visiting tomorrow.

[Tizer]

My dad now admits he's being well looked after by the carers. They've got him sussed too. He likes to complain and make a fuss if anything interrupts his TV watching but really he likes attention and he's even sometimes asked the carers to stay a while and chat - which is unheard off from my dad before!