Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tripps]

Whilst on the subject - I was reminded of The Poozies which makes me laugh. . .

I like the line "with a little more application he could've made the ton"

[Stanley]

Nice one Kev.
Even better David!

[Tizer]

I enjoyed that one, Tripps!

[Cathy]

[plaques]

One of those joke e-mails that come along every now and again. A bit of competition for BigKev.
................................................

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."
~ ~ ~
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
~ ~ ~
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
~ ~ ~
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
~ ~ ~
Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
~ ~ ~
Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
~ ~ ~
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
~ ~ ~
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
~ ~ ~
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
~ ~ ~
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
~ ~ ~
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say 'nothing,' it doesn't mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.
~ ~ ~
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is new midnight.
~ ~ ~
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
~ ~ ~
I run like the winded.
~ ~ ~
I hate it when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
~ ~ ~
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
~ ~ ~
I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
~ ~ ~
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
~ ~ ~
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
~ ~ ~
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like “East."
~ ~ ~
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
~ ~ ~
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
~ ~ ~
That moment when you walk into a spider's web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
~ ~ ~
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
~ ~ ~
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
~ ~ ~
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[Cathy]

Excellent. Just what we need.

[Big Kev]

[Marilyn]

I like the one about the lost sock in the dryer...
Don’t know why it cracked me up, but it could be that I spent a considerable amount of time searching for the lid of a container yesterday. Finally, I took the keys for the campervan and checked the cupboards in there. That’s where I found it!
( come to mumma)

[Stanley]

That was the one that made me smile as well Maz.

[Tizer]

Jewish innovation, amidst the breakout of the Corona Virus…
***Corrected link: LINK

[Tripps]

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

[Tizer]

Haha, did you make that one up, Tripps?

I had to correct the link in my Jewish joke post above - I'd given a link to the web site and it should have been to the Twitter item from the site.

This should amuse you all. Click to get a larger image (sorry about the poor resolution)...

bear_brain.jpg

[Big Kev]

20200321_194349.jpg

[Stanley]

[plaques]

I thought it was excellent Kev. Modified the caption and sent it off up to Newbiggin. The reply was "I can't do that I need him."

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

[Stanley]

Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need...

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Please don't follow the inference but this did make me smile (hopefully I won't need to explain it )

1585042326263.jpg

[plaques]

Took me a while but I think I got there.

.

Covid lockdown.jpg

[Stanley]

Sorry Kev, please explain it to me. (I am very old and slow)

[Cathy]

Plaques and Kev’s ‘went right over my head’

[Stanley]

Cathy, P got it! It's me that is baffled....