Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

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[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

I think I need some help with that one Kev......

[Marilyn]

I thought the same thing, Stanley...but I didn’t speak out because I thought everyone would jump on me.

Cazza...two bottles of the “red” thanks...( do I need to dose 12 weeks apart?)

[Big Kev]

I think I need some help with that one Kev......

Perhaps it was a bit obscure, hopefully this will explain it

https://home.bt.com/news/on-this-day/se ... 4007130635

[Cathy]

I’ll just take Bobby Ewing thanks

And Max... as many doses as you can handle

[plaques]

Don't let this happen to you.

.

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[Bodger]

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
The boy says to his manager “there’s a silly old sod out here who wants to buy half a cabbage”.
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

[Big Kev]

[Tizer]

Good one, Bodger, I'll bet the lad grew up to be a politician!

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Did you hear that Mr Hippy's wife fell in the river?

Mrs Hippy?

No, the Thames

[chinatyke]

Sounds like a Christmas cracker joke!

[Stanley]

Definitely China.



Funny what you trip over in the archive......

[Bodger]

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker:
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts, but the sheep farmer yelled. "No! Don't throw those away. My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries.'"
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.
She said. "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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[Big Kev]

My old school biology teacher once asked if I could name two crustaceans, apparently Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean were not acceptable answers.

[Stanley]

Another very clever one....

[Stanley]

Not sure where this bloke went Kev.....

[Cathy]

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Berlin’s ‘Devil’s Lake’, a naked man was photographed chasing a thieving boar and her two piglets. After helping themselves to a bather’s pizza, the boars then turned their attention to a far more expensive prize of a nudist’s laptop.
After grabbing the yellow laptop bag, the sow took flight, with the senior nudist in hot pursuit.

Ooh la la

[Stanley]

On a historical note, the strut behind the door is for a lock I came across in New York called a 'Police Lock'. They were very effective against breaking the door down physically.

[chinatyke]

I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

[Stanley]

You've reminded me of the old joke China. A lass tells her mate she's expecting and the mate says "Have you had a check up?" The lass says "No, it was a Pole".
(Sorry about that... There are some dirty little corners in my mind.)