Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

No Mick! We have had much worse than that.....

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Interesting choice I nearly put it in the genealogy thread but it's got to be a set up.

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[MickBrett]

A man lost his ear in an accident and surgeons replaced it with a pigs ear.
When he went back two weeks later for his post op appointment and was asked how it was doing he said....


"It's fine but I get a bit of crackling now and again"

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

A man lost his ear in an accident and surgeons replaced it with a pigs ear.
When he went back two weeks later for his post op appointment and was asked how it was doing he said....


"It's fine but I get a bit of crackling now and again"

[Cathy]

[Tizer]

[Big Kev]

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[MickBrett]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"


Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

[Stanley]

[Tripps]

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[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

Good one David, I'd forgotten that one!

[MickBrett]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath......



"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

[Stanley]

Nice one Mick!

[Stanley]

I think the money tree is bare now.....

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

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[Big Kev]

Satire or a true reflection of the stereotypical football hooligan?

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[Stanley]

Sounds like a very Trumpian attitude.....

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Stanley]