Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Donald Trump emailed his favourite artist asking for a Christmas card image that would emphasise his electoral power. Unfortunately he didn't notice his spellchecker change one of the words...

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[plaques]

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Good one Ken! And yes Kev, that's true. Daniel tells a good story about a bulldog being blamed for his owner's farts.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

This has been doing the rounds on tinterweb for a while but still makes me smile.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Alice.

[Stanley]

I've seen it before Kev but I'd forgotten the last line. That cracked me up!

[Cathy]

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It would be funny if it wasn’t Scary

[Stanley]

Very true Cathy. That happens so often nowadays, we are reminded we are all under scrutiny.

[PanBiker]

And folk wont have an Identity Card, that's a joke.

[Tizer]

I've seen it before Kev but I'd forgotten the last line. That cracked me up!

Yes, it's been around a while but I think people keep adding in extra sentences and it gets funnier each time!

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

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DID YOU?

[Stanley]

Never come across the character Cathy....

[Cathy]

Your joking? Seriously?

Hogans Heroes. 1965 - 1971

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[Stanley]

Nope.... I must have had an impoverished youth!

[Big Kev]

Two Owls playing pool....

First owl takes his shot and fouls as his wing brushes against a ball..
Being an honest owl he say's to his mate "Two hits"

The second owl replies "Two hits To Who?"

[Stanley]

Clever....

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

(My kids used to leave mince pies and whisky, they knew what Santa wanted....

[Big Kev]

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