Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

This made me smile

[PostmanPete]

Speaking of iPads - I got myself a really cheap one off eBay...!

iPad.jpg

[Gearce]

And this, ladies and gentle souls, is why I no longer drink in pubs

At The Bar

For Old Farts: Large font, and only two lines.

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate, " That'll be us in ten years."

He said, " That's a mirror, ya silly bugger "

[PostmanPete]

This proves we have
become far too dependent
on our computers.

1) Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down....






















































I said,

Look down, not scroll down....

[Gearce]

Best blonde joke to date ..

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100
for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.'

[Gearce]

Mental Health

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.

PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The missus left a post-it note on the fridge saying

"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while"

I opened it up, the light came on, the beer was well chilled…

Can't think what she was on about?

[Tizer]

I like the chimp joke Gearce, thanks!

[Stanley]

A joke circulating in the US Presidential Election.

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”;
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely on
November 6, 2012

[Whyperion]

Will the last person to turn off all the lights please leave the country.

[Bodger]

Padddy & Mick were sat in the pub window seat watching the comings and goings from the brothel across the street
The local Church of Ireland vicar was seen to enter
" bejaysus i always new them shower were hypocrites" says Mick
next they see the Rabbi enter
"look at him and his silly hat, them declaring the original religion and their piusness" says Paddy
Next they see their own Catholic priest enter, they both cross themselves and say " How sad, one of the girls must have died "

[Tizer]

Heard on the Radio 4 `News Quiz'. Jeremy Harding talking about the Austrian chap who did the sky-dive from great altitude...
The Austrian chap jumps off the balloon
Man says to him "Have you got vertigo?"
Austrian replies: "Only 74 miles."

[Stanley]

We listen to the same programmes Peter. I liked the suggestion that Beardie should have a go to promote Virgin.....

[Bodger]

The only way forward is backwards


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Another funny joke
« on: Today at 19:40:51 » Reply with quote



In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,
Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the
Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those
Teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your
Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,





'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
Declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
Is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Stanley]

That's a new one on me..... Nice!

[Bodger]

got a new jack russell pup, he is mainly brown & black, with small white areas, i call him Bradford

[Steeplejerk]

Scientists have said that by the year 2014 you'll never be more than 6 feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager !!

[Stanley]

He certainly gets through them doesn't he....

[Gearce]

The family gathered at the grandparents' home for their Christmas dinner.

Everyone was seated around the table.

The food arrived and little Johnny started eating immediately.

"Johnny, please wait until we say grace," said his mother.

"I don't need to," said Johnny.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." said Johnny. "This is grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[Bodger]

Nursing homes are giving Viagra to all male patients at bedtime for health & saftey reasons, it stops them from rolling out of bed !!

[Tizer]

A couple of Barry Cryer jokes from the BH radio programme this morning.

-------------------------------------------
A man heard his wife in the kitchen call "Chicken or chilli con carne?"
He shouted back "Chicken please".
His wife shouted "You're getting soup, fatty - I'm talking to the cat".

-------------------------------------------
A man was having trouble with his parrot swearing and a friend told him to put the parrot in the fridge for a while as a punishment.
The man told his parrot he would do this and the next time it swore he put it in the fridge. Later he took the parrot out and it turned back to look in the fridge and said "What did the chicken do?".

[Stanley]

Good ones! There used to be a bird in a cage in the big kitchen of the Hole in the Wall at Foulridge when Dixon was the landlord. The cat used to lie on top of the cage and the bird would shout "Put that bloody cat out!"
Here's a parrot story from me memoirs....

Another favourite was Joe Jagger and his wife at Royd Farm, Ripponden. Joe was a big bluff bull of a man who had a defective volume control, he could only shout! He and his wife used to hold conversations across the yard at the tops of their voices and it was a pantomime. Joe was no mug, he had a gritting contract with the local council and a small milk round as well I think. When the surveyors were laying out the line of the M62 across Rocking Stones Moor they had a big problem, the moor was so rough and boggy that the only way they could get about efficiently was with a helicopter. This was costing a lot of money and they were looking for a way round the problem. Joe got to hear about this in the pub one night and said he could solve their problem at much less cost. He fitted them out with ponies and sledges, the method that local farmers had been using for transport on the moor and steep slopes for at least a thousand years. It solved most of the problems and I’m sure Joe made a bob or two out of it.
I called in one day to pick up a jersey cow which was Mrs Jagger’s favourite. She kept telling me how beautiful its eyes were and what a lovely milker it was, funny thing is that it died on the next owner! I have a theory that cattle which have been kept by women always pine when they leave them, not scientific I know but I’ve see it happen too many times.
This particular day it was my last stop and I was feeling a bit peckish. Joe asked me if I wanted a pork buttie and a pot of tea and this seemed like a good idea so we went in the house. Now everyone has a different idea of what constitutes an acceptable level of tidiness in a house, on a scale of one to ten, Joe and his wife would be at about three! Everything needed to support human life was on the table, including the milk and butter and a parrot in a cage. There was an enormous roll top desk which had three secret compartments in it, I know because Joe showed me all of them! When we went in the kitchen Joe grabbed a balm cake and ripped it in half, then he got hold of the meat and tore a piece off it with his hands, I should mention that they were covered in cow muck! He slapped the meat between the two halves of the balm cake and gave it me. Just at this moment Mrs Jagger came in with my pint of tea and asked Joe if he’d offered me any stuffing. I said I’d like some so Joe opened my buttie up, grabbed a jug off the table and poured some liquid stuffing on like sauce! I have to report it was one of the best pork butties I have ever had! ( I wonder why I never had E-Coli?)
We sat there drinking tea and Joe asked me if I wanted to buy a parrot. As a matter of fact I’d have loved a parrot but Vera couldn’t stand birds, she had a phobia about them. A sparrow got into the bedroom after I had gone to work one morning and she waited until Fred Smith the milkman came and got him to come upstairs and get the bird out of the room before she’d get up. I hasten to add she wasn’t frightened of anything else as far as I know, not even me! She used to say I was like an orange, thick-skinned on the outside and soft in the centre! Be that as it may, Joe wasn’t taking no for an answer and he took the parrot out of the cage and put it on my shoulder. He said I could have it for thirty bob with the cage thrown in. This was suspiciously cheap but I was enjoying the parrot rubbing up against my ear and muttering to me ‘Eh, th’art a grand ‘un.” and then it bit my ear! I shot out of my chair with blood streaming down my neck, the parrot took off and Joe shouted to me to block the fireplace or it would go up the chimney. The parrot was zooming round the kitchen knocking ornaments off the mantelpiece and the top of the desk and at this moment Mrs Jagger returned and gave Joe the biggest tongue lashing I’ve ever seen anyone hand out. It turned out that the parrot belonged to his son and was known to be vicious, Joe got a kick out of seeing it bite people! It took us ten minutes to catch it and get it back in the cage, Mrs Jagger calmed down a bit and we all started laughing. I had to admit that it was funny.

[rossylass]

He he.

A man met his friend in the street. The friend asked him where he was going and he said he was off to the pictures to see "Moby Dick". "I don't hold with those sex films" said the friend. "It's not about sex, it's about whales" replied the man... "I can't stand the Welsh either"

Stanley, your tales are so funny and remind me of my early days as a Social Worker in what is now Trafford (part of LCC when I worked there in the 1970's). My boss, Mr Thomas, had been a Relieving Officer under the National Assistance Act....boy, could he tell some tales.

I was sent to do an assessment of an elderly man in Trafford Park, which was at one time the largest industrial estate in Britain. There was a square block of streets of terraced houses built on the American grid system, which provided accommodation for the workers. They were imaginatively named First St, Second St & so on. This was where your man lived. I knocked at the door and a voice asked "Who is it" so I shouted who I was through the letter box and waited..and waited. I was really concerned & went back to the office all for calling the emergency services, but Mr Thomas suggested going back in the afternoon, which I did. Same drill, but this time the door was opened; I got in & was introduced to the mynah bird. This poor man's cooker had packed up & he managed by turning an old electric fire on its back & using it to boil pans!

[Bodger]

Stanley, a bit of Oz humour,
http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0

[Stanley]

Rossy, I used to teach US students each year and on one occasion found that they had decided all the Brits were sex mad because they had a pudding called Spotted Dick! I arranged with the venue where we were staying for them to have spotted dick for pudding but many of them wouldn't eat it. It was a good suet pudding, they were just put off by their heads!

[Gearce]

Whit dae ye ca' a man that takes a wee size in a shoe?
Wee Shooey

Whit dae ye ca' a man that takes a wee size in a shoe an' cannae fun' 'is dug?
Wee Shooey Douglas

A guy walks intae a GP's surgery.
"Doacter, Doacter!," 'e cries, "Yi've goat tae help mi. Ah feel like Ah'm turnin' intae coconut"
Says the doacter, "Yi're boun' tae"

A wee wuman fae Glesci's West En' styin' in a hotel in Edinburgh phones room service fur sum pepper.
"Black pepper or white pepper?", asks the corcierge.
"Toilet pepper," yellt the wuman