Family Matters

[Tizer]

Saturday morning, dad on the phone: "Where are you?", he's demanding. Confused again, thinking we'd said we were coming. Afternoon: Carer on phone - One of dad's hearing aids not working, can we see to it? Discussions about batteries etc. Can't do anything until after Easter hols. Late afternoon: Carer on phone: dad found on floor of flat, fallen, bruised and grazed, not serious but he's been taken to hospital for check up. Evening: calls to hospital, he's OK but has a mild chest infection which might have made him dizzy. Can I drink wine with my meal or will I need to collect him? Wine OK, he'll be in for the weekend so they can keep an eye on him. Sunday morning: Surprise. They've returned him to the care home with a course of antibiotics and he's doing OK. Afternoon: visit him, give him attention etc. Evening: Ah, peaceful! Thank you NHS for dealing with my dad on an Easter weekend and even returning him so I didn't have to go to the hospital (40 mile round trip).

[Wendyf]

I have been really impressed with the care and attention Mum has been getting over Easter despite the ward being short staffed.

[Tizer]

In my post I said I was pleased that NHS returned my dad and I didn't have to make the trip. That might sound lazy but there's another side to it. Transporting a frail, unwell elderly patient has its dangers - besides problems getting in and out of the car there is the danger of being stuck in a traffic jam or an accident, especially in bad weather.

[Sue]

So sorry to here all of this Julie and Wendy. I have not been in touch much this month , so busy with family stuff here. My condolences Julie, I relate entirely to what you said about Grandma. Wendy, my thought are with you. Dad too had a dread of dying, we promised to make him live for ever in some way. It didn't remove the dread but he talked about how he wanted to be remembered and we have tried hard to meet his wishes. I still have the book to write but the anecdotes I have put on here have been part of his wish to be remembered for who he was and what he did. Don't try to do everything Wendy. Just do what you can to support your mum in whatever way you can that is possible without being detrimental to yourself.

[Stanley]

This fear of death syndrome must be terrible to live with. I can't give any advice obviously but my personal decision many years ago was to talk openly about death with my daughters. At first it upset them terribly when I said things to those in Australia like the odds were I'd die without them being there and not to worry about it. I've also made sure that they know I am perfectly comfortable with dying. They've got used to it now and I send them and the grandchildren an email every morning that they call 'Dad's not dead behind the door mail'. One of my grand daughters told me the other day that she loves my early morning mails so I think I might have conditioned them all!
Meanwhile, Margaret in Oz has a family matter at the moment. Mick has another mild attack of the golden staph which nearly killed him a while since, not as serious this time, he's at home and it's under control. Problem is it has ruined Mags' Easter break because all the bedding in the house has to be washed three times a week and all floors and surfaces disinfected each day! They are going to come in and take swabs later in the week. She says it's a good job she has the autumn sunshine to get the drying done!

[Wendyf]

Thanks Sue, I wish I could talk to Mum about death & dying, but she just refuses to listen. Dad was the complete opposite, coping with cancer and facing death with remarkable dignity. His only worry about dying was who would look after Mum.
Her anxieties are now stopping her getting better because she is refusing food, convinced it will choke her, and only taking tiny sips of water. They have had to stop giving her diuretics (to get rid of the fluid build up in her legs) as she wasn't drinking enough, and now her kidneys are suffering. They started her on a drip yesterday to correct that, but it is a difficult balance.
One of the most difficult things to deal with, apart from seeing Mum so distressed, is that when she does stop panic breathing enough to speak it is to complain about the staff on the ward!

[Marilyn]

From the info given in your last pot, Wendy...I hate to say it...but your mother is actually hastening her own end ( which is really strange if she is terrified of dying). She is going to send herself into a chemical imbalance that is very likely to prove fatal. Even blowing off all her CO2 by breathing hysterically can put too much pressure on an old heart, never mind dehydrating herself and sending her potassium out of balance. She will be in a whole heap of trouble if she doesn't see sense.

[Wendyf]

You are exactly right Maz, I'm afraid this is all self inflicted but she just doesn't believe anyone, not even the consultant. You should see the look of pure venom she gives me when I try to calm her down! As I've said before, she has never been an easy woman to deal with, my brother and I are finding it hard to keep the compassion levels up!

[Marilyn]

I know exactly what you mean because I have had the same looks from my mother.
I choose not to react to her juvenile ways any more ( and don't feel any guilt).

You can't do any more. One can only take so much.

[plaques]

Wendy, kidneys have a complex function. Often poisons and chemical in-balances will cause personality changes. The nursing staff will understand this but it is very hard for relatives to come to terms with. Hopefully it will settle down when they get her on an even keel.

[Marilyn]

Absolutely Plaques...it can also come to light that some patients have dependencies that they are unwilling to declare that, once denied due to hospitalisation, can cause much the same symptoms. I am not suggesting this is the case...but the elderly patient can get very sick very quickly. Even urinary tract infections can cause mental confusion and agitation in the elderly. They react differently to medications and their systems can't process them as they once used to.

[Sue]

My mum refused point blank to eat and drink, called me all sorts of names and went into a decline. She refused help from me or anyone else. It was a tough last few weeks.

[Stanley]

Maz is of course dead right. Once you get into that imbalance it's a slippy slope, I often think it's a form of auto destruct. That was what got my dad in the end but I was lucky, he stayed rational and communicative but it was quick. Mother just gave up and slipped away. I'll be thinking positive thoughts Wendy but in the end you have to look after yourself and Colin. (And the horses!)

[Tizer]

So much of this sounds so familiar. I've just had one of my dad's carers on the phone - his toenails are in a bad state and the chiropodist arrived but he sent her away when he found out he'd have to pay her. We can't help, it needs a professional and if he doesn't let her do it he'll end up in hospital with bigger problems. Then he complained to the carers that one of his hearing aids has disappeared. This is the one that he claims isn't working and which I've taken to be repaired. He doesn't remember things now and it results in him getting very agitated. At present he's covered in bruises and grazes from the fall that he had on the weekend and is on a course of antibiotics and that's all adding to the confusion (he has a mild chest infection too). He was taken to a local hospital but insists it was `Preston hospital' - as far as I know he's never been in a hospital in Preston unless it was in his early years. He's also been talking about people `in civvies' and about seeing someone `in the mess' so it's like he's dipping into his RAF memories. He's normally scared of letting the carers see him with his clothes off but they coaxed him into having a bath (his flat only has a shower) and they got a chance to check him over - but he was allowed to keep his underpants on (that was non-negotiable!).

[Stanley]

I remember when I had to go to the surgery for removal of barbed wire stitches from my scrotum. The nurse delicately laid a cloth over the area but I could see it was hampering her so I told her that if it made it easier she should take it off. If it didn't bother her it didn't bother me. She did and got on much better. So, unless something in my head changed I don't think I'd be wanting to keep me keks on. But of course, you never know how you might be affected. Funny thing getting old.....

[Marilyn]

Oh Bless Him, Tiz...having a bath in his undies!

[Stanley]

Morning Maz! Always nice to see you popping up first thing!

[Sue]

Tiger, my mum told my dad she had seen her sister on the way back from the shops. Normally dad would have reacted and said she was silly, but on this occasion he said invite her for tea next time she saw her. Firstly mums sister has never lived in Burnley, second she had been dead for 35 years. Dad struggled to cope with what he called Mums lies!

[Wendyf]

There is a definite improvement in Mum's condition, a different drug (digoxin) has settled her heart rate down and the process of clearing excess fluids is continuing. She seemed a bit brighter when I saw her last night, and perhaps a little less panicky. There is now talk of discharging her in a few days, so we are waiting for an assessment of her care needs to be done. We cannot see how she could cope at home....this is where the fun starts!

[Stanley]

We can't do the old tick to let you know we're watching and taking notice. Thinking about you. Glad it's good weather....

[Tizer]

Sue, my mum, even when she was healthy, sometimes claimed to have seen her mother in the garden...yet she had died in the 1950s in South Africa and though British-born had never been back here. Mum got a bit worked up about a tall dark-leaved bush in the garden and I think it was this bush that morphed into an image of her mother. A possible reason for it all was that she felt guilty about having left her mother in South Africa and not being able to go back to see her (couldn't afford it).

Wendy, I'm glad to hear Mum is responding to the digoxin. Has the hospital recommended that she have a carer when she goes home?

There's a lot about care of the elderly on the BBC News web site this morning and this page about the cost of care, titled `Elderly care all sorted? Think again...', is particularly significant:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-24534268
My dad, being below the financial threshold, gets care free when it's judged necessary but there's still a lot to be paid for and I think a lot of people won't be prepared for this when their time comes. He gets some help with paying rent to the council for his Extra Care Flat but still has to pay a large chunk himself and has his meals to pay for and phone and electricity bills. There are little extras which add up with time. He pays a cleaner and she also spends time with him on other things because we can't be there all the time. He was given a prescription by the doctor on Easter Monday but we couldn't collect it and deliver it for him, so there was a £9 charge for one of the carers to collect it. He has an occupational pension from his factory job as well as his state pension but I don't know how someone on only a state pension would manage.

[LizG]

We can't do the old tick to let you know we're watching and taking notice. Thinking about you. Glad it's good weather....

Yes we are thinking about you.

[Stanley]

Don't many local chemists have an arrangement with the doctor whereby they pick the prescriptions up and deliver free? Or is this only in small towns like Barlick.

[Wendyf]

Thanks to everyone for your support. We haven't had the assessment yet Tiz, but we think that she will need 24 hour care. Mum is reasonably well off, so she will pay for everything except any nursing care that may be necessary, but at the moment I don't think she will need nursing.
She was very angry and frustrated with everything yesterday. The doctor had told her that they had done all they could for her, meaning that her heart was stabilised, but she has taken it to mean that she is being left to die. Didn't believe me when I tried to reassure her. Ah well, back again today and another care home to investigate on the way, then I get a day off on Saturday!!

[Stanley]

"but she has taken it to mean that she is being left to die"
Must be so disheartening! Do you get to the stage where you expect a negative reaction every time? You have the patience of a saint.....