Family Matters

[Sue]

I hope she doesn't do what Dad did. At the last minute point blank refused to go. But two weeks later he refused to go home again, and never did. He moaned all the time but he admitted he was better cared for than we could manage for him at home.

[Wendyf]

They managed to get her there Sue. My brother says that she just shut her eyes and pretended to be dead for the journey. Must admit that I'm not looking forward to visiting tomorrow.
It sounds as if men deal a lot better with being looked after in care homes than women do. My cousin was telling me how much my Uncle enjoyed the attention of all the female staff in his nursing home and also the delicious meals three times a day!

[Marilyn]

Be strong, Wendy.
Mum is in the best place.
Don't get sucked in by the manipulative behaviour...it is just specifically targeted button pushing. I bet you sometimes wish you had given her much more grief when you were a teenager.

[Stanley]

There is the ideal picture of 'mother love' and there is the reality of life. It's a lottery!

[Sue]

I agree Maz. Thinking of you Wendy. But remember you now know she is safe, no need for those mad dashes up to Leeds in a panic about what you will find. You will get into a pattern of visiting. Mum will moan, but you will probably find she is a different person when you are not around. There was even a photo of Dad playing the care home piano on the wall of his care home, but he never told me about it!

[Stanley]

Sue could be right. I once asked an excellent primary school teacher how she managed the attention seekers in her class. She said the answer was 'benign neglect', deprive them of eye contact for a few minutes. If she realises she hasn't got you on the end of a piece of string.....

[Marilyn]

How is it all progressing, Wendy?

[Wendyf]

A worrying first few days Maz, and a lesson about not putting your mother in a care home on a Friday afternoon learnt! All the staff who were there when she arrived had gone home for the weekend and no one seemed to know or bother about her individual needs.
I didn't expect to find her sat in her nightie at 11.30am on Saturday morning, and I certainly didn't expect that a woman who is wasting away because she cant bring herself to swallow solids would be presented with a huge plate of roast beef, 2 veg and potatoes for her lunch... the plate being placed on a side table at her eye height! Absolutely unbelievable...she can hardly see, can't cut things up, can hardly even lift a fork to her mouth.
I expressed my concerns to the nurse who came to give her a tablet, and she admitted that it was pretty bad.
One of the big problems we had with Mum in her own home was that she wouldn't get in her bed as she felt trapped and feared not getting out. She spent the last few days at home sleeping in her chair making the fluid problem in her legs much worse. The first job the care home wanted to do was to get that problem sorted out, but when my brother saw that her bed had an air filled mattress he knew it was useless trying to get her onto it, as we had discovered in hospital, those mattresses make her incapable of any movement at all and cause worse panic. The promise was made to change it that night, but that never happened and she spent another 3 nights in a chair.
No management over the weekend apparently so I made my feelings known to the nurse in charge on the Saturday, as did my sister in law on the Sunday (she was dressed on Sunday but still being presented with normal food) and finally my brother had the opportunity to talk to a very embarrassed and apologetic second in command yesterday.
Things were immediately put in to action, and promises made to get her down to the lounge where she can see she is not actually in prison.
Oh dear, I'm visiting again today and I hope things are better....they should be, there is a banner outside proclaiming them to have won awards as one of the best care homes in the country, and the price reflects that!

[Marilyn]

Oh my dear Lord....this is dreadful...Oh Wendy...I feel for you. Hope things improve...rapidly!

[Cathy]

Keep on gettting the whip out Wendy, and then keep checking that they are delivering your Mum's comforts. Settling in anywhere new always has it's own specific problems, but there seems to be a real lack of communication between staff here. Their bottom line is money, but they should deliver what they advertise.

[Sue]

Wow Wendy what a mess. I think we were so lucky with Dads home in Briefield. Hope thugs sort themselves out ASAP.

[Wendyf]

I've been to visit this afternoon and things were just as I hoped they would be. Mum was down in the lounge and even joined in with an exercise class going on there for a few minutes. Her key worker came to introduce herself and told me how things had been going. I came away much happier.

[PanBiker]

That sounds much better news Wendy. When Sally's mum moved to Cravenside it took a while for her to settle in but now she sees the benefit of the care she gets. Plenty going on and she joins in with the majority of the stuff that goes on. The sing songs and fairs that they have are particular favourites. Lets hope you mum settles in as well.

[Sue]

Good news Wendy, let's hope it continues.

[Marilyn]

Ditto...

[Stanley]

Ditto again. That was a horror story.....

[Tizer]

It makes you wonder what happens to those poor folk who have to go into the home but have no relatives or friends to fight for their rights and to keep an eye on things.

[Stanley]

Doesn't bear thinking about. Every inmate should have an advocate..... But it would cost money.....

[LizG]

2 weeks ago I posted that my father-in-law was given less than 48 hours to live. 14 days later he is back to his state of 'normal'. Not great in our world of normality since he is bed bound, totally dependent on nursing home staff and his mind lives somewhere else, but the care he gets in the home is fantastic.

My mother in law went into the low care nursing home facility 18 months ago and she loves it.

Wendy - I really feel for you; your Mum will get the best care and eventually will think of it as her home. Hang in there.

[Wendyf]

I didn't want to give the impression that Mum was badly treated, just that her individual needs took a couple of days to be addressed, due to a lack of management over the bank holiday weekend. Disappointing, but nothing too terrible. She is angry and frustrated, but then she was the same at home for the last few days because she doesn't have the strength to do anything for herself and she has never had any patience, so waiting for attention has never been easy for her...it's a bit late in the day to be learning that the world doesn't revolve around her, poor thing.

[Sue]

Wendy your mum so sounds like my Dad

[Stanley]

Can't help thinking about the Inuit and ice floes.... My mate David and I discussed assisted suicide long before he had his stroke and it seemed a good idea at the time. However when it came to it I couldn't go through with it and neither could any of the other people he'd asked! Evidently he'd been covering his bases and it was a relief when he had a massive coronary while putting his socks on.
I think you all have the patience of saints.

[Nolic]

Some of you may have noticed that I have been popping in to OG more frequently of late than in the last few months. I have been pre-occupied with other matters largest among which has been my wife Cath.
Some of you may recall that she had a very difficult last part of 2013 and things were not much improved this year. She had the burden and pressure of her mother constantly demanding that her deceased husband take her out of Peel Gardens and back home. Worse was her being down about having to live with the impact of her emergency colostomy and despite a constant flow of outward good cheer and good humour she was not the same Cath that I have always loved.
Things have changed a lot over the past couple of months. Enforced absence from visiting her mum has taken that burden away and now knowing that she is well cared for we just ignore her demands about Bernard coming back for her and change the subject and within seconds she has forgotten - a side blessing of Alzeimers.
This enforced abstinence has been because in late March Cath went into Airedale and had her operation reversed. Within a day of the operation she was back to her old self and has remained so since. She has had a small set back in that one of her wounds was not closing and this has meant another period off work. I knew she was fully better when she started to look at and plan holidays - something she adamantly refused to do before her reversal. She has now been given the all clear and at the moment is preparing her new wardrobe for back to work on Monday. She is so looking forward to this and her colleagues and young people will not notice a great change - apart from her svelte like figure but she will be genuinely back to normal and not just putting an act on.
She's coped with a remarkable amount of bad stuff in the past year and we are all grateful that she is now fit and bouncing and ready to take on anything.
Its great to see how supportive you have all been to Wendy and I'm sure that had I shared more of what we were going through the same would have been there for me. Nolic

[Cathy]

I'm sure there must be much relieve for all of you Nolic, and I'm glad Cath is feeling so well in all areas. All the best.

[Wendyf]

That's such good news.
I really appreciate being able to talk about my troubles with Mum in this topic and get support too. Col is going through a tough time at the moment but that's not something I feel I can discuss, so if I'm not around much it's because life is not quite on an even keel at the moment!