Family Matters

[Stanley]

Better than leaving it hanging about! I've just rung Margaret in Oz and she has a house full of babies and young people.... Sounds a bit too hectic for me. I shall await the summons to Earby this afternoon for my Xmas dinner......

[Stanley]

Mo comes to my rescue this morning, he will fit two new tubes in the fitting that has failed in the kitchen.....

[LizG]

Can't win in our family. Dad fell over today; firstly onto rocks and gouged the back of his legs, pushed himself up and fell forward onto another rock and bruised his chest. Felt rotten but went to see Mum without changing his shorts. The nurses spotted it and fixed him up, Mum cried. I have a new mantra... there is an end to all this (whilst rocking in the corner!!)

[Stanley]

I feel sorry for your dad, he knows that he is causing you grief. The only thing I can say with any certainty is that the worst periods of my life always eventually came right. Question is how long does it take? Stick in there Liz.... you're being a good daughter and that is treasures in heaven. (Hopefully...)

[Wendyf]

Hopefully things will start to improve soon Liz, but in the meantime look after yourself. Are you having to do a lot of travelling to visit your mum in hospital?

[LizG]

I have a 50km round trip and I visit 5 times a week leaving the weekends for other family members. I go at lunchtime to make sure Mum eats something. Dad goes every day and his trip is 40km, and my sister goes 2-3 times a week; her trip is a 100km.

Mum's discharge date was pushed out to 9 Jan but they won't confirm if that is to home or to another rehab facility.

I'm just about to head off for another stint at the hospital with fruit and veggies for Dad, picked this morning.

You guys are helping to keep me sane.

[PanBiker]

Must get a bit monotonous Liz, it looks like you have an end in site even if to a different place, hang in there.

[Stanley]

Keep us up to date Liz, lots of positive vibes going out from us... That's all friends can do.

[Tizer]

You have our sympathy Liz, that's a LOT of travelling and a BIG chunk out of your lives. We managed to get in to see my dad yesterday; Mrs Tiz is mobile again and came with me. A different set of traffic lights was out of action in the town centre but there wasn't the gridlock this time as the M5 was running OK. We gave him a new dressing gown - his previous one got lost during a hospital visit. He seems quite content really although he likes to make a big fuss about there being `nothing to do' and `nobody to talk to'. We had a long chat with the senior carer who we've got to know well and she confirmed that the carers and other residents try to talk to him and get him involved but he ignores them. Like us, she believes some of it is due to `selective hearing'. When you catch him unawares or when he wants something he hears you but otherwise he just shakes his head and points at his ears! At least he's well looked after, kept very warm and secure, and has lots of people around him. My mum always said he was spoilt and got his own way!

[Cathy]

Thinking of you Liz, I'm sure everything you are doing is appreciated. Hope your car is air-conditioned to make all that driving more comfortable.

[Stanley]

At least you haven't to battle with snow and traffic Liz!
Tiz, I asked Muthomi yesterday if I was being too demanding, I'm very conscious that when you are old you can be a pain. He says no, he's as interested in finding the problem with my light as I am. He says he is learning..... Good Lad!

[Stanley]

It's a new year. I wish all of you the least stressful year possible.

[LizG]

Thanks for the kind comments. Yes Cathy the car is air-conditioned; I assumed they would all be in Oz. No snow Stanley but we're about to get some of the hot weather Maz has been experiencing. Not looking forward to that!

[Stanley]

Margaret was saying they were expecting 40C in Perth yesterday.... We have a very mild 12C forecast here today.... You'd enjoy a bracing walk in that!

[Sue]

I feel for all of you with family that need you to help and look after them. Keep smiling all of you. When time moves on and you commitments are over you will look back on this time and think ' I did my bit, I have no regrets. Mum and dad I miss you and love you but now is my time'

Happy new Year to you all

[LizG]

Poignant words Sue. Brought tears to my eyes.

[Stanley]

Nicely put. The thought that is in all our minds. Quite natural but we seldom voice it.

[Tizer]

Thanks Sue!

[Wendyf]

Wise words Sue. My trouble is that I can't help wondering if we could or should have done more to help Mum in her last few weeks....it's all been a bit raw over Xmas!

[Sue]

don't feel guilty Wendy. however much more you did it would have made little difference to the outcome and if you are honest would it have made much difference then. Like all of you on this forum I always felt I should do more, but in the long run it was Mum and Dads life, they would only let me do so much or they got angry with me.

I kept them well fed to the best of my ability in the circumstances, kept them clean and warm, but more importantly I remained their daughter, talked to them , took the firing line when things went wrong and problem solved when they couldn't. I gave hugs, shed tears with them and cried when they died. I miss them on birthdays, Christmas, family gatherings but I helped them survive those last few painful years.

I have no regrets, you must not with Wendy. They made me who I am and they live on through me, my siblings and their grandchildren and great grandchildren. Their wisdom, their points of view, their personalities, their sense of humour, their likes and dislikes are all things that are still with us.

[Wendyf]

Thank you Sue. Just what I needed to hear!

[Stanley]

In my experience caring people always have the same reaction in a life event, "Was it my fault?" and "Could I have done more?" We all have our own answers but I have always said that we have to remember we are human, we do not know everything and we can't control absolutely. The only test is whether we did the best we could under the circumstances and I have to say from what I have heard on this topic you are all saints!
I believe that asking these questions is an essential part of grieving and eventual healing. I can assure you that as the years go by you get quite relaxed about it. Funnily enough I was talking to daughter Susan about this only the other day and I managed to show her that judgements at the time are always modified later as the chaos of the event recedes. I don't think that any of you have anything to reproach yourselves for.....

[LizG]

Can't win a trick. Mum was finally coming home on Friday this week.

Yesterday Dad wasn't feeling well when he visited her. My sister was with him at the time. Mum's hospital told my sister to drive Dad to ED at the hospital 25km away. She turned into the ED car park, heard a gasp and he had a massive heart attack. There were 2 doctors just getting into their cars who did CPR for 10 minutes.

Stent inserted shortly after and he's now in an induced coma. They are warming him up at the moment, having been held at 33 degrees for 24 hours. Prognosis? He's 88, he may have brain damage, he may not wake up, or he may.

We went out for a very quick dinner tonight after a whole day of driving between hospitals trying to work out what we do with both of then in the short and long term. My husband reminded me it's my birthday; Happy birthday to me!!

Feeling very sorry for myself - very briefly until tomorrow when it all starts again.

[Marilyn]

Big cyber hug!
Gosh, how terrible for you...

[Wendyf]

So sorry to hear that Liz, I've been wondering how things were with your Mum. What a nightmare for you all. Keep us informed when you have the time...we all understand how much it helps to let off steam on here!