Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

I like it! Never heard that one before.....

[chinatyke]

In a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the

Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much.

You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little

Irish blood and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied,

"How very sporting of your mother!"

[Tizer]

This from one of our Canadian relatives...

Punography
· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· This dyslexic man walks into a bra ...
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

[chinatyke]

It's always sad to see animals and birds that have been knocked down and killed by cars and lorries but with so many vehicles on the roads these days it's not surprising. Recently, the Department of the Environment were called in when over 200 dead crows were found on Barnoldswick New Road. There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A vet examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws and by analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. An expert ornithologist was called in to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. This expert very quickly came up with an explanation:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could call "Cah", not a single one could cry "Lorry."

[chinatyke]

The End is Near:

Albert's nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him as he lay in his hospital bed.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Gisburn Road houses."

“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over on Station Road."

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices at Wellhouse."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residences at Coates."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Albert slips away

the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "Property ? ... he has a paper round!"

[Stanley]

I like that one......

[Bodger]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was.
"
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

[Cathy]

That was good Bodger, my reaction was Oh No ! haha

[Tizer]

Good jokes, Bodger and China, thanks!

[Stanley]

Son announces he is going to marry a girl from the next street. Gather takes son on one side and says don't do it son, she's your half sister. Mother overhears and later tells her son to go ahead because his dad isn't his biological father.
A son complains to his mother that the foreman at work called him a bastard. She says Don't tell your father, he doesn't know.

I've told you before that my dad once told me that if anyone ever called me an ill bred bastard I shouldn't argue with them. I hadn't the faintest idea what he meant but later found out it was perfectly true when I had to get a full copy of my birth certificate! This has never caused me the least concern..I also discovered that my mother was married to another man and my father was married to a woman in Australia. Families can be complicated!

[Bodger]

"Families can be complicated!"
Dont tell me, my mother married twice, and my father four times, plus i have a half brother in Denmark, who my father left at the end of WW2.

[Cathy]

You can see why Genealogy can get a bit tricky can't you.

[Marilyn]

Oh it sure can! And never think that such things can't happen in your own family, no matter how much you may laugh up your sleeve at others...cos it darn well does! makes extra work for us chasing family history that's for sure.
But it is all part of life's rich tapestry...

[Stanley]

There is a further dimension to my Dad's story in that through the whole process of getting British Citizenship, getting a passport before that and eventually getting the MBE none of the government departments picked up the fact that he was a deserter, a bigamist and his WW1 record was faked. Anyone using the records to research him would have no idea of the truth.... Not every 'official record' is kosher!

[David Whipp]

Hope this is clean enough...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Pluggy]

I've got quite laid back about passes for clean these days....

I think I might just rename the thread to 'Jokes'

[Cathy]

Very good. Perception is everything:)

[plaques]

I'm not normally in favour of 'Blond' jokes but this one has a slight twist to it.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,
Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'

[Cathy]

Pluggy... please don't change the title of this thread to just Jokes, boundaries are a good thing on social media, they are also part of the guidelines of this site.

[Pluggy]

OK, I'll leave it where it is

Plaque's blond joke is excellent. I literally laughed out loud.

Sexist ?, Me ? Nahhh....

[Tizer]

Pluggy... please don't change the title of this thread to just Jokes, boundaries are a good thing on social media, they are also part of the guidelines of this site.

Well said, Cathy, I agree. David's joke, I think, is inside the boundary and OK (funny too!). Keep `em coming!

[chinatyke]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Slowly pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer's really messed up now."

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

Without predjudice ?
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need youto pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

[Stanley]

Diplomatic.....