Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

The first time I went on the M4 across the Severn into Wales and stopped at the services just on the other side I got confused driving out again. I was looking for a sign directing me to Cardiff or Newport or even Swansea but instead it was directing me somewhere I'd never heard of. We had to stop and get the map out...but then I realised it wasn't a place name, it was the Welsh word for something like Exit, or West (I can't remember exactly what now).

Right now, due to flood defence work, we have a lot of road diversions. On the main road south from here there is a crossroads with a minor road. As you approach the junction along the main road there is a big sign with an arrow pointing to the right, towards the minor road, and stating `Road closed ahead. Diversion'. To me, that means turn right onto the minor road because the road ahead, the main road, is closed. But the actual situation is the opposite the minor road is shut and you can carry on ahead.

[Stanley]

Ambiguous road signs have always been a minefield. The clearest one I ever saw was a sign on a dual carriageway facing drivers who had made a mistake and got on the wrong carriage way. 'YOU ARE TRAVELLING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!'

[Tizer]

The essence of a couple of cartoons on topical subjects in today's papers...the Hatton Garden pensioner robbers and the baker who refused to bake a certain cake:-
A cartoon in The Times shows a rather ordinary looking elderly couple being questioned by the police. The man is saying "What led you on to us?". His wife is wearing a tiara or crown.
Another, in The Telegraph, shows a customer at the counter of a baker's shop. He's saying "How heterosexual are your fairy cakes?"

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

A recent Radio 4 News Quiz, where they read out newspaper clippings at the end...

One was an ad for a pest control company: "We can get rid of all kinds of pest: rats, mice, insects, cockroaches, wasps; discount for OAPs".

And a church newsletter advertised a talk on `Organ Trafficking'.

[Bodger]

GRANDMA AND BIRTH CONTROL

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . .
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

[Stanley]

I like that one! Grandma knows best.... again!

[Bodger]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' �

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom .....'

[Tizer]

This is an old joke that's been around in a few forms...
A zebra decides to visit a farm. He sees a chicken and asks: “What do you do?” The chicken answers “I lay eggs”. The zebra moves along and encounters a cow. He asks the cow: “What do you do here?” “I make milk” responds the cow. The zebra continues his visit and sees a black stallion and asks, “And you, what do you do here?” The stallion looks at the zebra and says “Take off your pyjamas and I'll show you…”

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

A newspaper cartoon this morning...the chickens in a hen house are crowded in a corner as a fox pokes its head inside through the door. One of the hens is saying: "Thank goodness it's only you. We thought Nicola Sturgeon was outside".

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

Even though my father has just died we still enjoy a good joke and it helps us through the grieving. The funeral director's web site had a set of FAQs and the final one was "What is the most important thing to remember to do at the funeral?" and the answer was "Switch off your mobile phone". Then it told how in the middle of a funeral service someone's phone rang and the minister said "That had better be God calling!"

[Stanley]

[Tripps]

From Guido Fawkes Blog

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Walmart.
I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
'Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!'

'Okay,' I replied. 'I'll just take these two assault rifles then.'

[Stanley]

Quite!!

[Bodger]

The British Penny:
European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 30 April 2016.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great-relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give us a tinkle.

[Tizer]

Lovely one Bodger, thanks!

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

[Tizer]

Another good `un. Are you spending too much time in the pub, Bodger?

[Stanley]

I liked that one as well!

[Bodger]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbe' this weekend!" and "The barbe' is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[Stanley]

Cancel your European holiday.....

[Tizer]

Very funny Bodger! My only quibble is that it probably should be 430AD at the end, not BC. (Always pedantic, that's me!) Oh, and perhaps I'd add that Greece is raising its terror level from "Retire at 53" to "Retire now!"