Old fashioned clean jokes

[PanBiker]

Futuristic Star Wars weather report:

[BBvideo 425,350]https://youtu.be/qslJQUMc9yA[/BBvideo]

[plaques]

Who cares what she is talking about she Wooks lovely.

[Stanley]

You have to admire the Disney publicity machine, they are earning their corn this Xmas!

Man buys parrot guaranteed to be a good talker. It isn't so he takes it back and complains. Vendor says it is unhappy and sells him toys for the cage, bell, mirror, ladder etc. Makes no difference so vendor suggests taking all the toys out to give the bird a shock. Man goes back to vendor and complains again because he has found the bird lying on its back in cage and it died. Vendor says "What a pity it never spoke" Man says "Oh it spoke all right! Just before it died it said "Who the hell took that ladder away?"

[Bodger]

One day an Irish woman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. She thought to herself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, she began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous guy!

He walked up to the stunned Irish woman and said to her, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigarette?" "Ten years!" replied the amazed Irish woman. With that, he reached and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of his wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigarettes and a lighter. She took a cigarette, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway.
"Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the guy. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the guy reached over to his right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to her. She opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irish woman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous guy started to slowly unzip the long front of his wet suit, right down the middle.
He looked at the trembling woman and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in her eyes, the Irish woman fell to her knees and sobbed,"Jesus, Mary & Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[Cathy]

Thank goodness for that Bodge, I was getting a tad worried there for a sec.
Good one.

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

News of the couple winning squillions of dollars in the lottery reminds me of the very old joke:

Wife to husband "What are we going to do about the begging letters?" Husband, "Keep sending them out love....."

[Bodger]

True or not ?
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 mAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr.GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY?":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

[Cathy]

Gosh to think of where he was, what he was doing and all the things that as an astronaut he must have been thinking about that he had to do, and he thought of something like that from his childhood.
Obviously a very relaxed guy. Amazing.

[Tripps]

Sorry - Snopes says the story isn't kosher.

[Pluggy]

Snopes can be a killjoy sometimes......

[Stanley]

I agree Plugs, some things are better left alone. Why spoil a good story with the facts?

[Tizer]

It was a good story but Tripps is right, it has been picked up and turned into more than a funny story. It originally ended at `..WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON.." (see Bodger's original post on 16th Dec 2014 LINK) but `NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY' has been added since. It'll get more elaboration as it continues to circulate on the web. But that doesn't stop it being funny!

[plaques]

A Shaggy Dog Story.

Totally disillusioned with the politics of the Crusade Sir Stanley together with Dennis his horse and faithful dog Jack were heading home to the small town of Barlickum. The journey hadn’t been easy but the final lap was proving to be the most difficult. Relentlessly pursued by Baron Ossie they had been forced to take the most difficult lowland route. He knew that the Black Baron would confiscate all his knightly gear and flog them on e-bay. Sir Stanley wouldn’t give them up that easily. After all, they had been paid for by public subscription and therefore belonged to the citizens of Barlickum.
It was now blowing a gale, with sleet and snow adding to the miseries of the boggy terrain. Sir Stanley still dressed in his full armour was near to collapse. How he wished for his beloved crombie. His horse had gone lame and now with Sir Stanley walking ahead it had to be coaxed along with encouraging words. Finally the going was too much even for Sir Stanley. Falling headlong over a hidden tree root he lay motionless on the ground. With hypothermia setting in he dreamed wistfully of his new invention – a steam engine. It didn’t matter that his thinking was over 700 years before its time. He was determined to build a steam engine. Suddenly, jolting him out of his dream was a strange voice. A voice he had never heard before.
“Wake up Sir Stanley. We’ve got to get out of here”.
Opening his eyes he realized that it was his dog Jack talking.
“You can talk”.
“Of course I can. I always could, but whenever I barked to clear my throat you started rabbiting on so much I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. Enough of this idle chatter. Get on my back and let’s get moving”.
Surprisingly without comment Sir Stanley did as he was told.
Onward they forged. Through the Reedy Moore Swamp and then the Salterforth bottoms until finally the dim light of the Anchor Inn shone through the blizzard.
Knocking on the door with the hilt of his sword he was confronted by an unkempt and rather rude innkeeper.
Seeing Sir Stanley dressed in his armour he said gruffly “Are you the stripper? A bit late aren’t you. The Ladies Circle are going barmy. Don’t you know its St Valentines day? If you’re not the stripper then clear off.”
Sir Stanley was fuming, “Of course he knew what day it is. It was his birthday!
On the battle field Sir Stanley would have felled him with one swing of his pole axe. But today being his birthday and following the rules of chivalry he kept his cool. It was then in his most sarcastic voice he uttered these immortal words.
“You wouldn’t turn a Knight out on a dog like this?”

Best wishes on your 80th Birthday Stanley.

[Stanley]

So that's why he growls at me when I tell him to be quiet.....
Thanks P, that was yet another surprise on what is turning out to be a busy day on the site!

[Gloria]

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE."

SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA."

SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."

[Bodger]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...
But all men ... Are men!

[Stanley]

Gloria and Bodge.... I liked both of them, I have started the day with a grin!

[chinatyke]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants one of them dayvorces.'

[Stanley]

Not quite PC but it made me smile.....

[Bodger]

For Stanley,
A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.


The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?

Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'



With age comes wisdom

[Tizer]

I've only just got around to catching up on this thread and I'm glad i did - there's some very good jokes there!

Plaques, your Sir Stanley story is a gem, you should go in for writing more satirical stories!

[Stanley]

Wasn't it.... I mailed it to all my friends.
Bodge, I liked that one, I know exactly what he meant.....

[Tizer]

Daniel (Lord) Finkelstein writing in The Times has updated readers on his latest addition to the family - a cat. It keeps bringing home live mice but it just drops the mouse then sits and stares at it. Finkelstein now has a problem with mice in his house and has been trying to find ways of catching and disposing of them. He searched for advice on the internet but most of the responses are...get a cat.

[Stanley]

An incompetent cat.... Do pets get like their owners?